Excuses, excuses

November 25, 2018:

He did it again with some bullshit excuse. Why does he even bother inviting me?

I’m just keeping busy. I’m trying so hard to not think about him at all. Rae is cleaning vacation homes now so I go with her every weekend. I’m exhausted and so sore but it keeps my mind off this.

It’s hard because Grace is so obsessed with Parker and she talks about him all the time. It reminds me of Robbie. I told her not to mention Robbie again. I need to move on.

I had a second interview for a job in Arizona. It went really well. I’m stressed about the pay though. I’ll be losing a lot of money but I need to start over.

New life…

Grace’s vacation

November 3, 2018

Grace is back. We met up for ice cream and to go see Bohemian Rhapsody. It was an amazing movie!

The night before they left for vacation Grace’s husband showed her an email between him and Parker. It was disgusting. They were discussing, in detail, what they were going to do to Grace. She was crying. I told her that Parker was an asshole and that her husband was acting like her pimp. I told her that in my opinion she shouldn’t go. She said it was too late to back out. I told her I’d drop her husband off at the hotel with Parker and tell them to have fun together and leave.

But she didn’t. She went. Her husband took video’s so he can relive it. Ugh, I can’t stand either of those men now.

They met up with him for four hours in a hotel. After Grace left, Parker texted her and said that he felt guilty and that he wanted to slow things down. He said meeting up in person was a lot different than just texting. At least he has the decency to feel bad.

Grace and her husband got in a huge fight on the last day of their vacation because he made her ask Parker if they could meet up one more time before they left. Parker said no. Her husband was furious. He told Grace that Parker was treating her like a piece of meat and told her that he must not care for her at all. I told her that her husband was the most manipulative person on the planet and that the only thing he cared about was being able to get off again. I also told her that she needed to divorce him. She sent me all the screen shots. Her husband got into her phone and saw that she sent everything to me and he read what I wrote. He hates me but I don’t care.

She is now more in love with Parker than ever. I don’t get it. I feel so bad for her. She doesn’t know that she deserves better.

The boys are back in town 🎶

October 10, 2018

My boys spent the last week with us!  We haven’t all been together since Luke’s funeral.  I have missed them so much.  Wyatt missed his brothers.  My boys have always been close.

They drove down, 23 hours.  Autumn drove the first 12 hours then Beau drove while Drew was bored to death in the back seat.

We spent a week eating and talking and catching up.  Bubba has been talking about riding the go carts and riding with Uncle Drew so we did that.  We also played laser tag.

On the last day we all went and hung out with Luke’s dad.  Bittersweet.

Luke finally got to see Montana when he drove back with the boys.  He’s at Beau’s house on his mantle.  He says strange things have been happening since his Dad got there.  Odd sounds, flickering lights.  Autumn says someone keeps tapping on her feet while she’s sleeping.  Beau thinks she’s crazy but he says his house is peaceful now.

I think Luke slept with someone.

October 2, 2018:

Saturday, Wyatt and I were driving back from the store. He mentioned something about Luke’s obituary. I told him that I had no idea that he had one. The mortuary must have posted one. Wyatt told me that Drew googled Luke’s name and it popped up. It’s online and people can post on it.

There was one post from a woman named Juliette. It seemed intimate to me. Like she knew him well. I knew all his friends or had at least I’d heard of them. I didn’t remember her. Luke had a Facebook but I wasn’t his friend on there. He asked me to be but I didn’t want his friends seeing my personal life.

She wrote about how she couldn’t believe that he was gone and how special he was to her. That she missed him and she couldn’t believe he was gone so suddenly. She wanted him to look after his kids and hers too. He would always have a special place in her heart.

Who was this woman? I had no idea. I asked Wyatt if he thought Luke would have done that and he said no way.

I texted Drew about it and he said that he wouldn’t have done that. I asked him if he had any idea who she was. He told me that he went to school with her daughter and that Luke worked with her. That’s when I remembered….

In 2009 after I left Luke he started drinking a lot. I was so sick of always looking out for him and him not looking out for me. I needed to be alone. I needed to know that I could handle life on my own.

Luke usually did construction but that slows in the winter. He had gotten a job at a bed and breakfast as a handy man. When I moved out, he moved into the inn. Juliette worked there also.

Cancer does terrible things to your way of thinking. It changes your view on life. Life is suddenly scary. You lose all your innocence. You now know that anything can happen at any time because this time it actually happened to YOU.
Because of this I needed to be by myself. I also knew Luke was going to kill himself with booze and I was so angry at him.

I had forgotten about this night until Drew reminded me of who she was. In 2009 Luke called me and we got into an argument over the phone. I’d had it with everything. With his drinking and his running from problems and his irresponsibility. I told him that I wanted a divorce. I had never said said that before. But I meant it. I told him I was done and I wanted us to move on. Luke was devastated.

A couple days later I went by the Inn. He was giving me money for dog food. We walked into his room and there was a bra on his bed. We both saw it at the same time and he said that the waitress had changed in his room. I didn’t believe him. He swore nothing happened but my gut said he was lying.

I think that night I told him that I wanted a divorce he got completely trashed and slept with her.

I had always been loyal to Luke. I’ve always defended Luke because he was my husband. That was my one job. To take care of my husband and I think he betrayed me. I never betrayed him. Ever.

I feel stupid for being so loyal. Maybe I should have left years ago.