Hello

June 1, 2017

I’m feeling so normal its scary. I rarely cry and that makes me feel so guilty but I feel good and I’m starting to get out by myself. Being married with kids, I was never alone. I don’t remember the last time I went to the grocery store alone. Or any store for that matter.

It sounds ridiculous but now I go to the store and I feel like a grown up. I’ve been on my own since I was 20, married with three kids and here I am at 46 buying fruit in my grocery store and I feel like a grown up. I feel, I don’t know, not heavy? I’m looking forward to the future for the first time in along time.

I’m still talking to Robbie . He makes me laugh. He invited me over for tacos again for dinner and tells me he is sitting in his couch suit. I’m so happy we reconnected.

He told me that Taylor Swift song “Breath” reminds him of Luke and I. He loves music and keeps telling me about all these songs and bands. I don’t think I’ve watched TV in days. I’ve got way too much music to catch up on!

I told Robbie I was doing so much better and he asked me why. I told him it was because of him. He has just talked to me and made me happy. I’m actually leaving my room now and doing things alone. He makes me feel secure and capable. It’s so weird. I have never been emotional. I have always kept everything to myself and I find myself pouring my heart out to him. I’ve never been so open and vulnerable with anyone. I’m glad he isn’t married or with anyone. I need him in my life right now.

He keeps asking when we can hang out. I’d love to see him. We are talking about meeting half way.

May 29, 2019

I have been talking to Robbie everyday. We text all day and talk for hours on the phone at night. I’m not so sad anymore. He distracts me and makes me laugh.

He loves baseball and loves the Mets. He comes home from work and puts his clothes in the washer and sits around in his underwear. He calls that his couch suit. He also cooks all the time and tells me to come eat. It’s funny since he is 6 hours away.

I’ve been redoing my entire house. I have pulled all the carpet out of every room. I have also painted the living room and stairwell. The stairwell was such a pain. It’s tall and it was dark wood so I had to primer it twice. Then paint it twice. It took days and I am so sore.

May 20,2017

I was getting my nails done today, scrolling thru Facebook and right there on my suggested friends was Robbie. I was excited to see his smiling face! I’ve missed him so much. I can’t believe it’s been 27 years.

I met him when we were 10. I had always felt close to him but I don’t know why. I told him everything and I cared what he thought of me. I’ve rarely cared what anyone thought of me. I especially don’t care, now.

His dad worked for the railroad and he was transferred to the Midwest when we were 17. To the middle of no where.

The last time I saw him, we were 19. He drove through our old neighborhood and Luke and Austin saw him at the store and invited him over. He was driving around the country aimlessly in his VW van. He had this wild, curly long brown hair. Robbie was never one to want to fit in. He did what he wanted when he wanted but he was never a jerk about it. He was always the class clown.

I was so happy to see him. I took Beau to my parents so they could watch him and when I went back to Luke’s, Robbie was just….gone. No goodbye.

I’ve messaged his brother Parker a few times over the years to tell Robbie hello and to give him my number but nothing ever came of it.

I messaged him to say hello. He’s never been married and has no kids. He lives 6 hours north of me.

He is good handsome, too. 6’4″, short hair and full of tattoos. I’m glad he cut his hair.

He’s going to make some woman very happy if he ever settles down. He is the sweetest guy.

He has worked in the food industry and played in bands for twenty years. He has led a crazy life but he says he mellowed out about four years ago. Now he is a conductor for the railroad.

He asked called him and we talked until my phone died! I’m so glad I found him again.

May 9, 2017

Hey Luke. It’s been a few days. I’m trying to not have to write you every night. I try to just talk to you during the day but sometime I just need to write.

I was weepy last Friday and then Austin texted me a picture of some Jeep Hannah bought him for their anniversary. It pissed me off and made me sad. I thought it was because I don’t give a shit about stuff and I hate when people brag. Then I realized it upset me that they get to have anniversaries and I don’t.

It snowed and I’m ready for summer so that was depressing. I don’t know, I just had a bad weekend.

I was planning on going to Sarah’s funeral today but I couldn’t. I should have but I don’t think I could have gotten thru the rest of the day.

I bought Drew’s his plane ticket today to Montana. Thank god. He’s drinking too much and not doing anything with himself. This weekend is Mother’s Day and I’m sure I’ll be depressed. Ugh. I love you, Luke.

Drew

Drew is my baby. He is 21. He is just like Luke. Sociable, calm, a peace maker. He can get angry but it takes a lot. Then he gets over it and forgives.

He is a 6 foot tall, a big kid with wavy brown hair and blue eyes. He has a beautiful smile. He is such a handsome kid and he has an awesome work ethic.

He worries me because he is so much like Luke. He likes to party and every one loves him to be at their parties. He is always the center of attention.

He loves music like Luke and I. He is awesome at the guitar. We bought him one when he was 14. He picked it up and within a few months he could play anything he heard. That’s how he relaxes. He picks up his acoustic and just plays.

He was the closest to Luke. They were together almost everyday until the day Luke died. Drew took it the hardest but he holds everything in. He never cries unless he drinks, then it all pours out. My poor baby.

He lives up north near Beau in his own little house on the river. I am so proud of him.

Luke

How do I even begin? Luke was everyone’s friend. He never met a stranger. He brought so many people home I never knew what to expect when I walked in from work. He could talk to anyone and for hours at a time.

He was the life of the party. If we were with friends or at a party and I needed to find Luke I just needed to find the big group of people because I knew Luke was in the middle of them all.

Luke was also up for anything. Well, almost anything. It had to be fun. Luke’s kind of fun. Luke was wild. He was a bad boy. He loved dirt bikes, camping, anything to do with water, snow mobiles. If it was fast and dangerous Luke was there. He once called me from Clint’s, excited, because he saw a bull in a yard and he jumped on it and rode it.

It never crossed his mind that he might get hurt and not be able to work. Or that he was generating large hospital bills from getting hurt. He didn’t think, he just did.

There was a darkness to Luke, though. A sadness. If he wasn’t out being wild, he wasn’t happy. If he had to be at home, he was irritable. I always felt like I had to entertain him or he would leave. He told me one time that he was never, ever happy. It made me feel terrible, like he didn’t love me. He said he loved me more than anything in the world but he just couldn’t be happy on the inside.

It took me decades to realize that he just couldn’t love himself. He couldn’t sit still because he would start thinking about life and how he wasn’t happy and how he felt like he was never good enough for me. Or his boys. But I know he loved us as much as he could.

His mom told me once that he was like that as a little boy. He would get piles of presents for Christmas from his grandparents and he would open a couple then walk away to sit by himself. They would go out to eat and he wouldn’t want to be there so he’d just go to sleep in the booth.

My husband. My soul mate. The boy I fell in love with. We grew from childhood into adulthood together. From 13 until 46 he was the center of my universe.

We went from friends to boyfriend and girlfriend to husband and wife. He was always going to be a part of my life no matter what. It was destiny. Fate. Whatever you want to call it. It was always going to be that way.

We went through teenage pregnancy, breakups, death of friends and family, addictions, abortion, epic fights, cancer and just everyday life. He was always there. Not always physically but we were always in each others hearts and minds.

Until the day he wasn’t. Until the day he went to sleep and didn’t wake up.

May 4, 2017

Hello Luke, it’s been awhile. I still miss you. I still can’t believe your gone. I like to just think that your away for awhile. It makes it easier. When I think back to March, when you left, it’s all so blurry. I walked around numb and blurry and empty and distraught. Now I’m just sad. I don’t cry as much as I did but I still cry out of nowhere. There is still so much I want to tell you but you aren’t hear to listen.

Your mom called the other day and talked to Rae. Rae told her I was still really emotional and she “no comment”. I really think she feels guilty about not coming to your memorial so she found a way to blame me. I’m trying to let it go. She’s your mother and it’s not worth being mad at her.

Drew finally agreed to go to Montana. I bought him train tickets because you know he hates flying and they have canceled both train tickets. So now Beau has finally talked him into flying so as soon as I get the refund back from Amtrak I’m going to buy him a plane ticket. He is drinking so much it scares me. He needs to get out of here and away from his friends and stop drinking.

I’m in bed eating popcorn. Wyatt and Rae went to a car show and I’m watching Bubba. He is talking so much. I cannot believe how smart this kid is. My friend Sarah at work, the one who had breast cancer? She died last Sunday.

I’m so sad about it. She was only 36 and she has a four-year-old son. I’m going to her funeral on Tuesday which is not going to be easy. I’m still really emotional so that’s going to be horrible but I should go.

Beau is doing good. He is working at the resort again but now he’s a sous chef and Autumn went back to her job as a bar manager.

I painted the fireplace white and it looks good. I also painted the stairwell which was a pain in the ass. It took us about two weekends because we had to take primer and primer the entire thing, including the ceiling twice, to cover the wood paneling and then I painted it a really light blue and it looks good. I can’t wait to decorate it. Next I’m going to paint the bedroom because I hate the paneling.

You know that, but I’m going to leave the wood because I know you would have a heart attack if I tried to paint the wood. I guess saying that you would have a heart attack is not appropriate. If you hadn’t had a heart attack you would probably find that funny.

Anyway, I’m going to paint the bedroom. I don’t know what color I’m going to paint it, maybe a light green or a light gray. I got a laminate flooring and it’s called pewter oak so it’s a grayish color so I have to find something to go with that.

I was talking to my mom about retiring and not knowing whether I was going to stay here because it’s so expensive. She mentioned moving to Texas and I completely forgot that I am the only child and everything that they have goes to me. Who knows, maybe when they pass away, which hopefully isn’t soon I’ll end up retiring in Texas. I’ll probably be over the snow by then anyway. I’ll be too old to dig out every winter.

I think Bella is going blind. I was tossing food to her and she never catches it anymore. And she’s getting so shaky. When she stands her entire back end shakes. She’s 12 but that’s not really too old. She’s a pretty healthy dog other than that. I just hope she lives for a while longer. I’ll be so sad when she goes. She’s the only little girl you and I had.

I’ll talk to you soon. I love you and I miss you. I keep dreaming about you but I don’t hardly remember them when I wake up. I don’t know if I’m sleeping really hard and don’t remember but I wish you’d come to me more.

April 2017

I am numb. I don’t even cry anymore. I get up and go to work. I stay as busy as I can. Every one walks on eggshells around me. We all wear phony smiles.

I go home and I work on my house. I have painted almost every room. I have gotten every bit of carpet out of my house and pulled up all the nail strips. When I go to my room I am exhausted. I lay down by by 9pm but don’t usually fall asleep until midnight.

I always wake up no later than 3am and I never fall back asleep. I am a walking zombie. My mind feels numb and fuzzy all the time. I am scared because I don’t want to go through life numb and tired.

April 15, 2017

I’m a creature of habit. Same thing every day. If anything changes I worry that something bad will happen.

I’m working today. I hate getting up so early on Saturdays. I’m so afraid I’m not going to hear my alarm so I set it for 3 different times. The first one goes off at 4:00am then 2 more over the next few minutes. And I snooze. You always hated that I hit snooze.

I lay in bed until midnight. I don’t sleep well anymore. I wake up at 3:33am. I try to sleep for the next 20 minutes but that doesn’t happen. I snooze until 4:20.

I get up and do the same thing I do every work day. I walk over and turn the wall heater on and put my phone charger in my bag. Grab my robe and towel and put them in the bathroom. When I go downstairs I hold on to the railing like kids do and I swing. I don’t swing because it’s fun. I swing because my feet hurt. It makes me feel old. I’m only 46. I step to the side on the 2nd step since it creaks so loudly.

I turn the wall heater on, then the coffee pot. I head back upstairs. Go pee, jump in the shower. I wash my hair, my face, exfoliate my face and rinse it all. Then I put conditioner in, shave my arms and legs, wash my body and rinse.

I get out and dry off from the feet up, put the towel on my hair and then put my robe on. I use q-tips to clean my ears then lotion my face and neck. I swing down the stairs, stepping on the side of the 2nd step. I grab my coffee cup on the counter from the day before and set it in the sink with water running in it to rinse it out while I get my creamer out of the fridge.

I shut the water off and pour my coffee then my creamer then my sugar. The last few weeks, every morning I tell myself I’m going to buy some coffee stirrers so I don’t have to dirty a spoon. They must be like $2.00 on Amazon for like 1,000 of them I bet. I never remember to buy them. I’m so forgetful lately.

I walk up the stairs into my room. I tell my husband good morning. I pick my clothes out. Today it’s a black shirt with lace at the shoulders, ripped at the knee boyfriend jeans and black sandals. I put my makeup on, the same way I do every day. Foundation, then lipstick, eyeshadow, just a brown streak in the crease of my lid. Eyeliner, then mascara.

I take my robe off and put my underwear and shirt on. I take the towel off my head and realize I forgot to condition my hair. And I forgot to shave. I sit on my bed and blow-dry my hair. I cry as I do this.

When my hair is dry I put my jeans and sandals on. It’s still pitch black out but I open my blinds and my window. My plant needs the sun. I like the fresh air.

I turn the heat off and grab my purse and bag. I walk to the bed. I put my fingers to my lips and then my fingers to my husband’s lips, thru the glass in the picture frame. I tell him have a good day.