Lower case Love and CAPITAL LETTER LOVE

CAPITAL LETTER LOVE. I loved Luke so much. He was my soul mate. I’ve always believed a soulmate was yours for life. Your one true love. The one you’re destined to be with for you’re entire physical life. The one you’ve traveled with for several, maybe even 100’s of lifetimes. They are just comfortable to be around. You’re just like “You’re my person.”. You just know.

Lower case love: This is what I think most people have. You meet someone and you fall in love and you think Ok, I can spend my life with you. I mean, you love them. You also LIKE them which to me, is more important than loving someone. That sounds crazy but think about it; How often have you loved someone, like a significant other or a sibling or a relative but you couldn’t stand to be around them? But you still love them. So you have to genuinely like your person.

You’re also attracted to them physically and sexualy. You can also imagine a life with them. Getting married and buying a house in the suburbs and having kids and pets and family gatherings. All that makes your heart flutter. And I think that’s all ok, lower case love.

The thing about lower case love is that it fades. Picking up dirty underwear off the floor the next morning after an awesome night of sex isn’t adorable anymore. It used to make you feel, I don’t know, wifey. Now you don’t feel wifey, you feel housekeepery, maid-ish. And the sex that used to be awesome? It’s just mundane. It’s just missionary sex and not the good kind.

There is the missionary sex when everything is brand new and you’re in love and you still love picking up the dirty underwear. It’s the fully naked, skin to skin, arms gripping his shoulders, tongues down each other’s throats, legs wrapped around his back holding on for dear life because you love him so much and you can’t ever get close enough kind of missionary sex.

Then there is the we’ve been together for awhile missionary sex. Sex becomes a need to be fulfilled, a scratch to be itched, a DUTY. It’s the sex that’s going down and it feels good but you are also thinking about the potluck at work tomorrow and the laundry that didn’t get finished.

That can happen with CAPITAL LETTER LOVE also. I remember, after years of being with Luke and after he started drinking, I was thinking about sex with Luke. I mean, the sex was never bad but I had realized that I couldn’t remember the last time we had kissed. I’d been having sex with my husband, the love of my life, my soul mate, my CAPITAL LETTER LOVE for years and I couldn’t remember the last time we kissed?? And that makes you sad. Life time CAPITAL LETTER LOVE with your soulmate isn’t guaranteed. Bad things happen. People have baggage they can’t lose. Luke could never lose his. I will always love Luke. But he changed halfway thru or marriage. Actually, I changed. I grew up and Luke never did.

Not everyone gets their CAPITAL LETTER LOVE. You might fall in lower case love and you don’t know any better. Dirty underwear. This is what causes divorces. Lower case love and dirty underwear.

I’ve been in lower case love. Twice. The first one was Austin. Yep, Hannah’s husband. He was always there for me when Luke bailed on me and his responsibilities. Always. I knew I loved him after I saw him get hit over the head with a beer bottle at a party. I was so scared he was dead. I sat with him in the emergency room all night.

He dropped me off at my house at 4:00am. He hugged me and I knew I had fallen in love with him. I told him so, too. Sex with Austin was wild. Intense. Uninhibited.

But I’d already experienced CAPITAL LETTER LOVE with Luke and I knew Austin and I wouldn’t last. I could imagine a life with him but I also knew I could get over him. You don’t ever get over your CAPITAL LETTER LOVE.

Also, just because you’ve experiencing CAPITAL LETTER LOVE doesn’t mean that it’s going to work out. Believe me, I know. It just means that it’s gonna hurt more when it all comes crashing down around you.

Lower case love number two: Luke and I split up for a year and I started dating Jeff. I worked with Jeff. He was ten years older and such a sweet guy. He had his life together, had a good job, his own house.

I told him up front that I was never going to live with him or marry him and that there would be no I love you’s. I didn’t want that. But you sleep with someone and feelings happen. I did fall in love with him. I didn’t tell him that of course. And I did consider changing my mind. I mean, I really could have had an easy life with Jeff. The house in the suburbs with the kids and the dogs. I could have made it work with him. And I probably would have been happy. But just……happy.

On New Years Eve, at the stroke of midnight, he kissed me and he said it. I LOVE YOU. And do you know what I thought? I don’t want to spend the rest of my life picking up your dirty underwear. So I just smiled and said thank you. It got awkward after that. He took me away for the weekend because we had planned it a few weeks before. A romantic getaway at the beach. With that big, fat I love you laying right in between us every night.

I didn’t want to be with him anymore but I didn’t want to hurt him either. I just stopped answering his calls. I avoided him at work. And two weeks later I tracked Luke down and I married him. Jeff found out when they changed my name plate at work. He quit and I’ve never seen him since. Although Daisy did see him on a reality show about ten years ago.

Running away. That’s what I do best.

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True Romance beginning monologue

“I had to come all the way from the highways and byways of Tallahassee, Florida to Motor City, Detroit to find my true love. If you gave me a million years to ponder, I would never have guessed that true romance and Detroit would ever go together. And to this day, the events that followed all seem like a distant dream. But the dream was real and was to change our lives forever. I kept asking Clarence why our world seemed to be collapsing and everything seemed so shitty. And he’d say, ‘That’s the way it goes, but don’t forget, it goes the other way too.’

That’s the way romance is. Usually, that’s the way it goes. But every once in awhile, it goes the other way too.”

Moving

In 10 days I’m putting all my clothes, shoes, make up and tooth brush in my car and I’m moving by myself out of state. I don’t know how many people have told me that I am crazy. I just smile and say YOLO. We have one life, we have to live it to the fullest. Others tell me how brave I am.

The truth? I’m not brave. I’m scared and I’m running. Running away from the memories. Everywhere I go, there’s Luke. Every single time I go to town I see one of his friends. They don’t say anything to me anymore but I see the look in everyone’s eyes. “There’s Luke’s wife”. I’ll always be Luke’s wife here. I’ll never be just Alabama. We were together for so long that there wasn’t any part of my life that he wasn’t a part of. Every where I go, he’s there.

I’m running from my job. At work, I am “The Widow”. ¬†I’m the PTA mom who lost her husband and then lost her shit. The one who chopped of her hair and dyed it black, got a bunch of tattoos and a nose ring. The woman who never stopped moving, was out every weekend, had to wear sunglasses inside all day on Mondays because she drank too much on the weekend.

I have become the designated widow. ” I’m sorry your husband died. Here is Alabama’s phone number. Give her a call, she will help you through this “. There isn’t anything good about being a widow, but this is one of the worst parts. I feel obligated to talk to them. I didn’t have anyone to talk to after Luke died. I know how they feel. They want to know what is going to happen to them, to their future. Will they ever be happy again? Who will fix stuff when it breaks? What if they get a flat tire? They know that they are never going to love anyone again. And oh my God they are never going to have sex again! I get it. I feel bad for them. But I don’t want to relive it. I don’t want to be brought back to that darkness. It makes me sad. I know that’s ¬†selfish of me. ¬†I was in a dark place for a solid year but I’m done and I need to move on. I am running from being the designated widow.

I’m running from Robbie. 2017 was the worst year of my life. But it was also the best. It was the year I found Robbie again. I spent hours and hours laying on my bed, talking on the phone with him, giggling late into the night. We talked about every thing in the world. I could tell him anything. I fell in love. Like real adult, mature, I want to spent my life with you CAPITAL LETTER LOVE. Sometimes I still leave the house phone next to my bed in case he calls me in the middle of the night like he used to when he was out with friends. He doesn’t call, though.

I walk into my room and I can see myself lying on the middle of my bed, phone glued to my ear, giggling and watching  baseball. He always commentated while we simultaneously watched and he always sent me into peels of laughter. We talked about music and history and politics. We talked about our future.

Now I walk in my room and see an empty bed. No laughter. Phone across the room, on the hook. Baseball season is over. Like Robbie and I.

I’m just running. I’m going to pack my car and just go. To a new state. A new job. A new life.

I will not be Luke’s wife. I will not be the designated widow. I will not be Robbie’s ¬†girlfriend.

I will just be… Alabama.

Renting out my house

December 16, 2018:

I talked to my realtor today about my house. There are very few rentals available where I live. My realtor suggested I rent my house out for $1,700.00.

Wyatt and I are fixing up the house. We have so much to do in so little time. It is going on the market the day after tomorrow.

I’ve not talked to Grace that much. I miss her, actually. I think she is trying to fix her marriage. Her husband hates me. ¬†I don’t care that he hates me.

Her and I have one big thing in common that both of us need to get over.

She told me last week that Parker texted her and told her never to text him first. He said him and his wife just bought a lake house and they are working on it together. He also told Grace that he was happy and that he loves his life and he doesn’t want that messed up.

Men are assholes.