June 14, 2017

Robbie and I still talk every day. I like him way too much. I like everything about him.

He is so sweet. He listens to me. He is genuinely concerned about me and my well being. He tells me not to text and drive. He texts me good morning everyday day. He has a good job, his own house, three cars and man, he is so good looking.

He sent me this meme, A Johnny Cash quote. I’ll post it.

He texts me Muah every night and tells me to have sweet dreams. He is so sweet.

I think he is too good to be true.

I stayed home from work today. When I am stressed it goes straight to my back and locks my back up. Plus I’ve been working on my house and yard and I’m sure that doesn’t help.

This Robbie thing has been killing me. I had no idea how to bring it up but it got brought up because I wasn’t wearing my glasses.

We were texting. I asked him what he was doing. I thought he texted back “laying in bed with you” so I texted back that “he had just made my heart pound”. He asked me why that had made my heart pound. I texted back and told him that I had a crush on him. He responded back with “What are we going to do about this. Are we allowed to have feelings for each other?”

Relief followed by fear. Robbie likes me…

I got my glasses on and what he actually texted was ” laying in bed, you?”. Punctuation people, can change the course of lives!

We’ve been joking about dual incomes and how easier life would be for both of us if we lived together.

He is so sweet. My back has been out and he keeps asking me how I feel. No one’s ever taken care of me. I love this.

We had a conversation about our feelings for each other and how awesome this is and how everything happens for a reason. He said “no more running”.

He’s managed to stay unmarried for 46 years I guess that makes sense….

I went to work and told Charlotte and Em about my feelings for Robbie. They said they KNEW. That every thing I say starts with “Robbie said…”

Why didn’t they tell me this? I’m not used to having friends to talk too. I’ve isolated myself away for years. I have never invited anyone over because I never knew if one of Luke’s friends or enemies or even the Police would show up. So no one came over and I have never talked to anyone about my personal life. Not my real life. Not even Daisy.

I started crying. I’ve cried more this year than I’ve cried my entire life. I told them I was done talking to him. That I was never going to put myself in a position to get hurt again even if I had to lose Robbie again.

They told me to think about it first. They argued with me for 20 minutes and told me I need to just let it happen. That I need to let nature take its course. I told them that there was nothing they could say to change my mind.

Then Charlotte said “What if Luke sent him to you?”

I asked her what she was talking about. I could not believe she was telling me that Luke wanted me to date Robbie. That is just ridiculous. Luke was the most jealous man on the planet.

Then she said to look at the timing. That I had missed Robbie for thirty years. That after Luke died no one would have helped me the way Robbie did. She also said, “What if this is Luke’s way of making up for all the crappy things he did over the last thirty years and you throw it all away out of fear?”

That blew my mind. What if she is right? Everything happens for a reason and what if I just walk away from this and I blow my life plan? My only chance at happiness?

I am so scared because I know I have to tell Robbie how I feel. What if he doesn’t have these same feelings? What if I get hurt?

This won’t end well. I know it.

I missed Robbie all weekend. He texted me Saturday night to tell me he missed me. He said the drive over the Sierra’s was beautiful and it reminded him of me. That made me smile. It made my heart skip a beat. It scared me.

He called me as soon as he got home Sunday. He told me that he went out drinking with some old friends and at the end of the night an old friend of his was too drunk, she said, to make it home. He was checking into a hotel and she said she didn’t have any money. He got a room with a double bed. As he was drifting off to sleep, she crawled naked, into bed with him. He laughed. I laughed. A forced, fake laugh.

I asked him what happened and he said he told her no. That it wasn’t happening.

I wanted to hurt her. I have feelings. I have feelings for Robbie.

I can’t talk to him anyone. I can’t do this. I promised myself I would never do this again. This relationship, love, lies, betrayal, HURT bullshit.

I’m going to miss him.

www.youtube.com/watch

Another crappy day, another melt down. They are getting fewer and farther in between. Robbie called and I feel better. He sent me this song, “Murder in the City” by the Avett Brothers. It’s actually one of Drews favorites. I love it.

He’s going to Nevada for the weekend for band practice. I’m going to miss not talking to him this weekend.

www.youtube.com/watch

Life is going. I’m just working everyday and painting and working on my house. Settling in to life alone, I guess.

Robbie had a date today. She sounded kind of slutty to me. I was talking to him and she was texting him pictures of herself in her underwear. So tacky. She ended up canceling. She said someone died.

I do not want to deal with people like this. No dating for me ever.

Ah, Jamey Johnson,In Color. Robbie sent me this one and it’s always been a favorite of mine.

Oh, and he invited me over for steak and potatoes. This guy is a crack up. I missed him so much.

He posted something on Facebook that made him cry, he said. How has no one snatched this guy up?

I got home today and had a mini melt down. I still cry occasionally. My future seems overwhelming. What am I’m going to do? I don’t want to date or get married and that means I’ll be alone forever. I told Robbie what was going on and he is so sweet and talks to me about everything. I can tell him anything. I told him I was not ever going to date or get married and he was like ever? I was like nope, not ever.

He called and we chatted and I feel way better now.

It’s so nice to wake every day to a text from him telling me to have a good day. It starts my day off right.