May 4, 2017

Hello Luke, it’s been awhile. I still miss you. I still can’t believe your gone. I like to just think that your away for awhile. It makes it easier. When I think back to March, when you left, it’s all so blurry. I walked around numb and blurry and empty and distraught. Now I’m just sad. I don’t cry as much as I did but I still cry out of nowhere. There is still so much I want to tell you but you aren’t hear to listen.

Your mom called the other day and talked to Rae. Rae told her I was still really emotional and she “no comment”. I really think she feels guilty about not coming to your memorial so she found a way to blame me. I’m trying to let it go. She’s your mother and it’s not worth being mad at her.

Drew finally agreed to go to Montana. I bought him train tickets because you know he hates flying and they have canceled both train tickets. So now Beau has finally talked him into flying so as soon as I get the refund back from Amtrak I’m going to buy him a plane ticket. He is drinking so much it scares me. He needs to get out of here and away from his friends and stop drinking.

I’m in bed eating popcorn. Wyatt and Rae went to a car show and I’m watching Bubba. He is talking so much. I cannot believe how smart this kid is. My friend Sarah at work, the one who had breast cancer? She died last Sunday.

I’m so sad about it. She was only 36 and she has a four-year-old son. I’m going to her funeral on Tuesday which is not going to be easy. I’m still really emotional so that’s going to be horrible but I should go.

Beau is doing good. He is working at the resort again but now he’s a sous chef and Autumn went back to her job as a bar manager.

I painted the fireplace white and it looks good. I also painted the stairwell which was a pain in the ass. It took us about two weekends because we had to take primer and primer the entire thing, including the ceiling twice, to cover the wood paneling and then I painted it a really light blue and it looks good. I can’t wait to decorate it. Next I’m going to paint the bedroom because I hate the paneling.

You know that, but I’m going to leave the wood because I know you would have a heart attack if I tried to paint the wood. I guess saying that you would have a heart attack is not appropriate. If you hadn’t had a heart attack you would probably find that funny.

Anyway, I’m going to paint the bedroom. I don’t know what color I’m going to paint it, maybe a light green or a light gray. I got a laminate flooring and it’s called pewter oak so it’s a grayish color so I have to find something to go with that.

I was talking to my mom about retiring and not knowing whether I was going to stay here because it’s so expensive. She mentioned moving to Texas and I completely forgot that I am the only child and everything that they have goes to me. Who knows, maybe when they pass away, which hopefully isn’t soon I’ll end up retiring in Texas. I’ll probably be over the snow by then anyway. I’ll be too old to dig out every winter.

I think Bella is going blind. I was tossing food to her and she never catches it anymore. And she’s getting so shaky. When she stands her entire back end shakes. She’s 12 but that’s not really too old. She’s a pretty healthy dog other than that. I just hope she lives for a while longer. I’ll be so sad when she goes. She’s the only little girl you and I had.

I’ll talk to you soon. I love you and I miss you. I keep dreaming about you but I don’t hardly remember them when I wake up. I don’t know if I’m sleeping really hard and don’t remember but I wish you’d come to me more.