March 7th, 2017

11:00pm

I am laying in bed, drifting of to sleep because I have work in the morning. I suddenly feel sick. My head feels funny and my ears plug like I am deep under water. I feel weak. I text my co-workers in our group chat to tell them I feel sick and probably won’t be in the next morning. I take Advil. This lasts about ten minutes then I’m fine.

Wyatt and Rae came home from the grocery store about the same time. They were halfway through shopping when Wyatt had a panic attack so bad they had to leave their cart full of groceries and come home.

4:41am the phone rings.

Me: Hello?

Gilbert : Alabama. I think he’s gone.

Me: Gone ?

Gilbert: Luke isn’t breathing.

Me: Oh my god, do CPR, call 911!!

Gilbert. He’s gone. He’s cold.

I sit up and my feet dangle over the edge of my bed. I know I have to go downstairs and wake up Wyatt and Drew, my 21 and 19 year old sons. I have to tell them that their dad is dead.

Wyatt, my 21 year old, his wife Rae and my two grandkids moved in three months ago when Luke left. Luke, my husband, the father of our three sons, the man I have been with since I was 16 years old, is gone. I had asked him to leave because I wasn’t going to watch him kill himself. I was hoping he would change, but not my Luke. Full throttle until his last breath.

I walk into Wyatt’s room. I whisper his name but he doesn’t wake up. I don’t want to turn the light on and wake the baby so I walk out and go into Drews bedroom. He is only 19 years old and I have to tell him his dad is dead. I walk in and turn his light on. He sits up. I say his name. “Drew”.

He says “ It’s dad, isn’t it”.

I shake my head yes. I can’t talk through my tears.

He says “He’s dead, isn’t he.” It wasn’t a question. I say yes. He yells “we knew this was going to happen “. He sounds angry. As I walk out I see him lower his head and cry.

I turn the light on and sit at the dining room table. I am numb. Tears are falling out of my eyes and they won’t stop. Drew calls my oldest son, Beau, and tells him. He also wakes up Wyatt and Rae. We are all falling apart, quietly.

Beau tells Drew that him and Autumn are jumping in their truck and leaving Montana for home. I’m relieved. I need all of my boys with me.

My cell phone rings and I answer. It’s a medic and he is asking me

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