Running away

Its what I do.  It’s what I’ve always done. I keep myself busy, work myself to death until whatever it is I’m running from or avoiding just fades away.  

I don’t run from responsibility or financial problems.  I’ve been on my own for so long I can handle the day to day shit that life throws at me.  Bills.  Broken cars.  Busted pipes.  I can handle all of that.

Emotion.  That’s what I can’t handle.  That’s what makes me run.  

I took care of my Nana. Always. I did her errands, took her to her doctors appointments and watched way too many hours of Lifetimes movies with her because she loved them.  

When she retired and didn’t have the money to live on her own, I moved her in with me.

When my house flooded the plumber told me that she could get pneumonia from the mold.  He suggested she leave for a week.  She went to my uncles house.  Without telling me, he put her in a home.  He got power of attorney and wouldn’t let me take her back.  I asked two of my other uncles to help me.  They chose to do nothing.  

I would go visit her and she would cry and beg me to take her home.  My  boys and I were going to shove her out the window and take her out of state but none of the windows would open. 

Nana died within a year.  I moved out of state and haven’t spoken to any of them. We were close. My mom was so young when she had me that they were like my brothers. That was ten years ago.  I’ll never speak to them again.  I’m done with them.  

Everyone betrays you eventually.  It’s usually not intentional, but it happens.  Always.  I expect it.  It doesn’t hurt when it’s someone you’re not emotionally invested with.  So I don’t get invested.  At least I try not too.  

I have trusted two people.  They have unintentionally betrayed me.  It devastated me.  Both times.  

I trusted Luke.  He was an addict.  He lied.  I kept trusting him and he betrayed me over and over. Halfway through our marriage, he told me I was cold.  He would hug me and I would just pat his back and then walk away.  I stopped telling him I loved him. He would get so hurt but I was so angry all the time.  No, that’s not true.  I was hurt all the time.  He never meant to hurt me but he did and I could never get over it.  I couldn’t run away from my husband so I shut down.  For 15 years I turned all my emotions off.  I was done.  I promised myself I would never trust anyone again.

Robbie came back into my life.  I trusted him.  I kept telling myself I was going to regret it.  I couldn’t help it.  I spilled everything to him.  All my emotions.  My secrets.  My fears and my hopes.  I fell in love with him.  He kept telling me to slow down.  He didn’t want to jump into a relationship and ruin our friendship.  I wanted a life with him so bad. He didn’t want the same.

I’m trying so hard to shut my emotions off and I can’t.  I moved.  I got a new job.  I’m getting a second job.  I’m staying as busy as I can all day, everyday day.  The second I sit and rest he invades my mind.  I can’t get him out of it. I’ll be working and he will text me.  He tells me he is just checking in to make sure I’m OK.  I tell him in fine.

But I’m not.  I’m devastated.  

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