Soulmates

A soulmate is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity. This may involve similarity, love, romance, platonic relationships, comfort, intimacy, sexuality, sexual activity, spirituality, compatibility and trust.

Luke and I were driving down the road one day in his truck.  He looked at me and told  that he loved me so much that couldn’t get close enough to me. He said he wished he could be a part of me and I Got it. That’s exactly how I felt.  If you don’t understand that, then your not with your soul mate.

Luke was my life plan.  My present and my future.  I met him at 13 and I KNEW he was “THE ONE.”. I felt it in my bones, in my soul.  We were going to get married, buy a house, have kids and a dog.  Sure, I knew we would have ups and downs but when you meet your soul mate, your gonna be happy forever.  That’s what a soul mate is right? It’s your forever person.  

A few years in, I still loved Luke with all my heart but there was a small part of my heart that was starting to resent him.  Was starting to HATE him.  I kept telling myself that he was my soul mate, THE ONE, so I couldn’t give up.  Right?  

Recently, I was talking to Joey on the phone about the mother of his daughter.  He was new to the concept of soul mates so I was looking up info online to send to him.  As I was reading up on this I came across some info that blew my mind! 

I had stumbled across articles about soul mates and them being here to teach you lessons.  What did they mean? Teach us but not complete us.  Let me write that again. Teach us.  But not complete us.  I read this several times.  I was skimming through all these articles and all I could think was “had I been wrong all these years”.  Luke was my soul mate.  He was put on this earth to complete me!  Not teach me life lessons!

I know you travel through life with the same souls.  But now I’m reading that the love of my life,  THE ONE, my SOUL was here to teach me life lessons??  I missed that little part.  Soul mates are forever, spiritually but not physically.  Hello, Mother, Universe, friends, why didn’t any one tell me this?  Did I spend 30 years with Luke because I didn’t finish the book on soul mates? Did I just make both of us miserable?  

Life lessons. There are all kinds of life lessons but apparently there are three major ones we need to learn.  The first one is patience.  I’ve never had it.  I still don’t.  I just take charge and do it myself.  I did everything for Luke.  I never made him do anything. 

The second lesson is unconditional love.  I have that for my boys.  But only my boys.  It’s not that I don’t love anyone.  I DO love others.  But I don’t trust anyone.  Every one betrays you.  Usually it’s unintentional, but it happens.  All the time.

The last one is Trust in the Universe.  Do you know what I say to Grace ALL THE TIME that makes her laugh?  I say “Fuck you, Universe.” 

Things happen all the time that remind me of Robbie.  All. The. Time.  And I hate it.  I hate when I’m keeping myself so busy that I can’t think and then a song comes on that takes me back. I hate when I hear his name in a crowded room. I hate when I’m flipping through the channels and I see one of his favorite movies.  I hate that I ran away from my job, my hometown, my friends and family.  My LIFE.   And the Universe is still screwing with me.  So let me say it again.  FUCK YOU, UNIVERSE!!  I’m supposed to trust the Universe???

This is what I learned reading about soul mates.  I learned that I was wrong.  So very, very wrong.  But then I started thinking about every thing.  About Luke and about lessons.  

I know I loved Luke.  I also know I should have left a long time ago.  But since Luke died, I have changed.  I’ve changed a lot.  I started thinking about these life lessons. Have I learned anything?

Patience.  The boys and my friends always joke about me and my lack of patience.  The boys are used to it.  I can’t remember how many times I drove off without Drew in the car.  Beau and Wyatt knew that when I said it was time to go, they needed to get in the car.  Drew never did.  He was always late.  He was always standing near my car, usually with his hands on the back door of my car, Beau and Wyatt yelling at me that Drew wasn’t in the car yet. I’m amazed that I never ran that kid over.

It also drives Charlotte batty. She points it out to me daily.  When I’m ready to leave, I say goodbye and I go.  But Charlotte likes to walk outside with me after work everyday and Charlotte never hurries.  Never.  I’m standing there with my purse, at her desk because it’s 5 o’clock and I’m ready to go and we leave every day at 5 o’clock.  I mean, this should come as no surprise to her, we’ve had this schedule for years. But there I stand, waiting. Everyday.  Some days I don’t wait and Charlotte gets pissed.  But most days I wait.  I’m learning.

Unconditional love:  this is the hard one.  I don’t know if I’ll ever have this for another human that isn’t my child.  What does that even mean?  Are you supposed to love someone who betrays you?  What do you do if the love of your life cheats on you?  If your parents lie to you?  I mean, you still love them. You can’t help it.  But it certainly isn’t unconditional.  

Trust the Universe:  I have a huge issue with trust. I do believe, however, that everything happens for a reason.  I just have to merge these two together.  I’ve always been afraid to say something that I really wanted out loud because I’ve always thought that it was going to jinx it.  I’ve also read that you should “throw it out to the universe “. What exactly does this mean?  To mean, it means karma.  If you’re positive then you get positivity back.  I need to be positive.  I can do that.  I’ve been getting better.  I don’t think I’ll get out of bed tomorrow and tell the Universe exactly what my deepest desires are.  I’m not ready for that yet.  But as of today, I’ll stop telling the Universe to go Fuck herself…..

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