September 4, 2017

So I wrote Robbie an email letting him know how I feel and how mentally fucked up I am and how I feel like I don’t deserve him. It took me all day to write it. It was a “I am so fucked up I need to get help I hope I talk to you again someday” kind of email because I just always feel so undeserving of someone with their shit together.

I told him I didn’t need him to respond. I just needed him to know how I felt. I cried all last night and all this morning and he texted me. I didn’t expect it and I was afraid to read it. This guy is so fucking nice. I don’t know how to deal with nice. He said he knows I’m not crazy and that he would never be mad at me for any reason. He said he knew I was co-dependent. I guess it’s obvious to everyone but me.

I asked him to become an addict so I would know how to act and what to do. He said he would do almost anything for me, but not that.

He said he’s going to come out here but I don’t want him too until I live alone. I’m going to keep going to counseling. I need to get it together. I just want to be happy.

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