March 16, 2018

Me and the kids went to Arizona. We got there Wednesday. I brought Robbie gifts. A fire stick, candy, guitar picks and three books. On my way out to Arizona I texted him and said I was on my way. He immediately called me. He seemed excited. He gave me address of his hotel and asked me to stay at the same hotel.

We got there at 10:00pm. He asked me to come to his room. I knocked and the door opened and there was my Robbie. All my feelings came rushing back. He grabbed me and hugged me and just hold me tight for several minutes. He always buries his face in my neck and I hold on to him like my life depends on it. God, I love this man.

I gave him his presents and he read the card I got him. I wrote something like thank you for holding the umbrella for me while my world fell down around me. I told him how much I appreciated him. He hugged me again.

I hung out with Robbie and his friend until 130am. I went back to my room and slept.

The next morning they went to a baseball game and I went to my own with my uncle. I came back and then went to an Angels game with Robbie and Scott.

This older hippie lady showed up and sat next to Robbie. She was apparently following him to every game he went too. I was so annoyed with her.

After the game Rae dropped us off at a bar. We were all drinking. Robbie went to put money in the jukebox so I asked Scott what was up with Robbie’s commitment issues. He told me that Robbie was dating like five women but wouldn’t sleep with any of them. He said he hadn’t had sex in years.

Scott said he told Robbie that I was awesome and he should be dating only me. I asked why he thought Robbie was like that and he said he thinks it’s because he doesn’t want to give up his freedom.

Robbie came back and told me he was dating. I told him not to talk to me about it. He asked me why and I said because I had feelings for him. It’s all kind of fuzzy because I was drinking. He told me that he was only having coffee with them. He said you know me, I’m not sleeping with any of them. It still crushed me.

I know we went outside while he smoked. I know I hugged him. I remember he told me that he loved his birthday card because it was so heartfelt.

Scott also told me that Robbie kept talking about how awesome it was and that I got him a present. I don’t think anyone else did.

We went back to their room and I passed out on Robbie’s bed. I woke up for a minute because he was pulling my sweat shirt off. He’s always been so sweet.

In the morning Scott left to go get coffee and call his wife. Some time during the night I took off my pants and bra. I woke up against Robbie’s bare back. He said something about me giving him a hard on. He asked me if I wanted to fuck him. I said yes.

Scott came back in then and said they needed to go soon. Scott had planned on going to a car show. He had no idea what he had interrupted.

I was so sad. I had to check out and go home. We walked outside and Rae and Wyatt walked up. I couldn’t talk to him since everyone was standing there. All I could do was hug Robbie and walk away. I walked away quickly so he didn’t see me cry. I went back to my room and stood on the balcony and watched him drive away. I didn’t know if I would ever see him again. I jumped in the shower and couldn’t stop crying.

We left and drove home. We went from sunny 80 degree weather back in to the snow. I said very little on the 6 hour drive home. I stared out the window and tried not to cry.

We got home and Rae and Wyatt left for the night. I was so cold that I took another shower and cried again. I wasn’t crazy this time, I was just so sad. I really truly love him.

I went and layed on my bed and I got a text from him. He said he would be coming thru and wanted to know if I wanted to spend one more night with him.

I found a hotel and went and got us dinner. We sat on the bed and talked and ate. We were both so exhausted. I was so happy to be spending one more night with him.

We woke up this mornin, skin to skin again. I was rubbing his arms and back. He had a hard on. He is huge. Gigantic. I said that out loud and he said he knew, that he’s been told.

Then he decided that we weren’t going to have sex. He said we lived too for a way, that he likes me too much to treat me like a fuck buddy. I really pushed him. Who could blame me?

He said I would get too emotional and I said I wouldn’t but we both knew that I would have. He brought up his ex and her moving in too fast and how he hates her now. He said he wasn’t going to do that with me.

He said it was the distance. We lived too far away from each other. I went and sat on his lap and hugged him. It was time to check out and we hugged and I grabbed his cheeks with my hands and kissed him on the lips like I always do. We walked out to our cars and I got in my car first. He knew I was struggling to not cry. I know he felt so bad.

I drove away and watched him fade in the distance. I could barely see through my tears. I got to the end of street and had to pull over. It’s impossible to drive safely when your sobbing.

I’m so sad. I have a feeling I won’t see him for a long time, if ever.

I love him so so much. I wish I knew how not too love him.

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