July 3rd

I am not a bad person. I’ve always done the right thing. I’ve always put everyone else’s needs before my own. Now it’s just me. No one to worry about but me. I am lonely. I don’t like meeting or being around new men so that limits my ability to find a companion. I say companion because I don’t want a boyfriend or a husband. I want a male friend I can have sex with occasionally.

I want someone I can go on dates with but I don’t have to have to pick up their dirty underway on a daily basis. I want someone to hold me all night but I want my house to myself in the morning. I want no strings, spontaneous, wildly outrageously, orgasmic sex. Then I want to go home by myself.

Is this why I am contemplating an affair? It’s with someone who is in a bad marriage. I’ve known him for decades. His wife doesn’t like him anymore. Honestly, I don’t blame her. I like her more then I like him. I wouldn’t want to be married to him either but he would be perfect. We have talked about it and I told him yes. No strings. Can I go thru with this? How will I be able to look at myself in the mirror every day if I do? I am not a bad person.

I need to get over Robbie. I don’t know how else to do it.

Today my throw back picture from my photo app was one from a year ago. I opened it while I was at work. My heart broke. I got tears in my eyes so I had to go on break and try to walk it off.

One year ago today I woke up, laying face to face with Robbie, up north, in his bed. His eyes were closed in sleep. His top lip is bigger than his bottom lip and I just wanted to kiss it but I didn’t want to wake him. His fingers were entwined in my hair. In that moment I was so happy. I imagined someday waking up this way every morning. I took a picture. I knew I would never forget the way I felt right in that moment but I wanted to always be able to see it.

My beautiful Robbie.


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