June 11, 2017

Robbie texted me and he told me that he missed me. I did miss my friend. He sent me a picture that some one took of him at his parents house. He is so good looking and I told him so. He asked me if I was messing with him lol. I told him absolutely not!

He sent me an old picture, he must have been in his 20’s. He really is good looking.

He has a friend, this girl, that he has known for a really long time. She showed up at the bar Robbie and his friend were at. She lives with her parents and I think she sells weed. She has also slept with both of his brothers. She sounds like an alcoholic too. I looked her up on Facebook. I have never looked anyone up on FB so I felt like a stalker. She’s younger. And pretty. And skinny…. And why did I do this???

Robbie tells me that he went to get a hotel and she told him that she was broke and didn’t have a ride home and she wanted to stay with him. At that point I was irritated and it bothered me that I was irritated. I told myself I was irritated because I am not ready to let my friend go yet. If he has a girlfriend, than I’ll lose him and I just got him back.

He got a room with double bed. He said he got in bed and as he was falling asleep she got naked and crawled into his bed. He told me that he told her no and that nothing happened but that she walked around the hotel totally naked the next morning. What a slut. I wanted to tell him what I thought of her but I didn’t.

At that moment, if that girl was standing near me, I would have ripped her perfect hair off of her head. Then I realized why I felt this way. I have a crush on Robbie.

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED???

This cannot happen.

I have told myself for the last ten years that when Luke died I was never going to be with any one else. Marriage is hard. Very hard. I never want to do that again. I want to be alone. I’m never picking up anyone else’s dirty underwear or washing them or cooking them dinner or taking care of them when their sick when I’m even more sick. I have taken a back seat to everyone for 30 years. I have lost myself. I won’t do this again. So why am I imaging what it would be like to do all this with Robbie??

No. When I make a plan I stick to it. I made this plan. If I don’t stick to it something bad will happen. We make plans for a reason. This was, IS, a good plan. I can’t talk to Robbie anymore and this is breaking my heart.

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