July 30

What is wrong with me? I can’t sleep. I sleep maybe three hours a night. I wake up and can’t stop thinking. I feel like a zombie. I can’t think straight anymore. Everything is fuzzy.

Over the last two weeks I’ve started drinking at night so I can sleep. I drink it fast so I pass out fast. The kids don’t know. I’ve been hiding wine and rum in my closet. I don’t want to hear any shit from them, I just need to sleep.

Robbie told me his serious ex girlfriend was an alcoholic. They dated in high school but his dad was transferred back out west so they broke up. They started talking about 10 years ago. She came out and visited then went back to the Midwest and then called him and said that she was moving in with him. She packed all her stuff and moved across the country.

After she moved in, he found out she was an alcoholic. She drank all the time. She wanted to move back to the Midwest and he didn’t want to but he did anyway, for her. He got there and started his new job in their new house and then she bailed on him for her ex-husband. He is so anti-commitment and he says all women cheat. He says we are going to take it very slow. I told him ok but I don’t know what exactly his slow is. I don’t want to go slow. It’s not fair to make me suffer because she was a drunk.

I’ve been drinking and then I end up drunk and I start texting him and calling him. I was really pushing him about committing to me. I bombarded him with questions about how he feels about me and where this is going. I don’t know why I’m doing this. I promised myself for the last ten years that I was never going to have another relationship again and here I am, 4 months later in love with someone.

I know I freaked him out but I just couldn’t stop. He told me he would be in a committed relationship when he found someone that could be his best friend first. He needs to realize that I am his best friend!!

He’s been texting me every day still but not calling me every day and it’s just weird now. I just cry all the time. I’m so afraid of losing him and I don’t know why I’m like this. I’m always so strong.

I painted my bedroom today. Yellow. I love the color. I am so exhausted. I have 18 foot ceilings. I just start these projects now and don’t stop until I’m done. Maybe I’ll sleep tonight.


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