July 1, 2017

The first thing I think about when I wake up today is that I have to get on a airplane and fly by myself. I’m terrified to fly. I’m claustrophobic and being stuck in a metal tube 35,000 feet in the sky isn’t natural. Not only do I worry about crashing, I worry about getting sick or having a medical emergency and being stuck a mile up in the air. I’m perfectly healthy so I know I’m being irrational.

I’ve only flown once, years ago, with my dad. I never planned on doing it again. I crossed that one off the bucket list. Actually, I lost a bet. I told my dad that I would fly if he agreed to get a tattoo. I never thought he would get a tattoo but he did…

I’m so scared.

Wyatt takes me to the airport. I’m am so late. We pull up to the airport and I grab my bag and run. The only good thing about me running, ever, is that if I’m running there is a damned good reason for it so I’m not thinking about flying at this moment. I can’t miss this plane.

I get to security as I’m supposed to be boarding the airplane . I am bouncing in place, trying not to panic. I take my sandals off and I have my phone ready to put in the basket. I finally get thru security. My terminal is the farthest one away. Oh my God. I don’t bother to put on my sandals, I just grab my bag and run. Again.

Here I am, 46 years old, sandals dangling from my fingers, pink bag on my back, sprinting thru the airport as fast as my legs can take me. By the time I get to my terminal I am completely out of breath. And I’m pretty certain that I look ridiculous. I am not a runner. As I’m running up I hear them call my name. They held the plane for me. A small part of me is disappointed.

I show them my boarding pass and my ID. I am desperately trying to catch my breath as I walk outside to the plane. I stand at the bottom of the steps and look up and think to myself “WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??” I walk up the steps to board this death trap in the sky and step on to the plane. Everyone looks at me. I have delayed our flight. I lower my head and I’m sure they think I’m embarrassed but I’m trying not to scream at everyone to get out at the nearest exit and save themselves. But I don’t. I find my seat and buckle in.

I am next to a 21 year old. I sit down and introduce myself. He tells me his name is Rico. I tell him I am terrified of flying and that he needs to hold my hand. He looks surprised for a second and then he tells me it’s going to be ok. He flies all the time.

We taxi down the runway and I tell him I wouldn’t mind flying if the plane just never left the ground. He chuckles. We start to take off and we are going so fast and it’s so loud. I grip Ricos fingers so tight, close my eyes and try not cry. He keeps telling me that this part will be over soon. We level off and I can breathe again.

He distracts me with amusing stories about his family and holds my hand when we hit turbulence. He must think I’m crazy. I need to distract myself so I tell him about and Luke dying and how I’m going to meet Robbie after not having seen him for 27 years. Listening to myself I am now convinced that I AM crazy. Poor Rico. We finally start to descend and I’m pretty sure I have a good chance at surviving. The plane lands and I am so relieved.

Then I remember why I’m there. I’m here to see Robbie. Panic sets in again. I text him and tell him I just landed. He says he’s waiting for me. My heart starts to pound. My hands get clammy.

I told him yesterday that I wanted him to kiss me as soon as I got off the plane. What the hell was I thinking ?? I’m so nervous. What if I’m not attracted to him in person? What if I don’t feel anything for him when he kisses me? I feel obligated to sleep with him because I’ve told him I wanted to.

I had told my mom I was going to see Robbie and she said ” I hope he isn’t a serial killer “. I laughed when she said that but what she said just popped into my mind. Oh my God I’m here for four days!! I am telling myself to calm myself down. I know Robbie. He’s a good guy. Right??

I get off the plane and jump on the tram. When I get off the tram I have to go outside and find him. That gives me a few minutes to calm down. I tell myself its all good. This is Robbie. I know Robbie. I take some deep breaths. I’m gonna get off the tram, away from all these people, find a place to sit for a second and get my shit together.

The tram door opens and bam, he’s right there, leaning against the wall. My heart slams in my chest but I smile and make my way towards him. I can hear my heart pounding in my ears. Ohmygod, ohmygod over and over in my head while I keep a smile plastered on my face. He starts towards me.

We reach each other and put our arms up to hug each other. He goes to kiss me and I turn away and kiss him on the cheek. I feel guilty but I’m so nervous.

We let go of each other and he grabs my pink carry on and he carries it thru the airport. I can’t take my eyes off of him. He has a beautiful smile and he is 6’4” of chunky, tattooed goodness. He wears glasses and he has this sexy nerd thing going on. He has on cargo shorts and a band t-shirt. His arms are covered in tattoos. I can’t stop smiling. He’s so good looking. Here is this man I’ve been texting and talking to all day every day for 6 weeks. I keep getting glimpses of my old friend Robbie. This is all so surreal.

We walk out to the parking lot to his car. He drives a blue, two seater sports car.

I ask him to stop at a grocery store. I tell him I’m buying groceries. He doesn’t want me too but I insist. We walk through the grocery store and he has me laughing the entire time. He talks to every one that walks by because he is so social. He has a comment or an opinion on everyone. I think to myself that I never want to grocery shop without him again.

We get to the counter and they charge for bags. He says no bags. I laugh and say yes, we need bags. I tell him they are only 15 cents. He says it’s the principal of having to buy bags . We agree to only get half the amount of bags that we need and he crams them full and carries out what doesn’t fit. He is so damn adorable.

We pull into his driveway and go in thru the back door. Thru a laundry room filled with Mets memorabilia, then we walk thru his bedroom. His bed is made and his room is spotless. I put my bag down on his bed then follow him into his kitchen.

It’s a small but nice kitchen. With a huge poster of Wonder Woman on the wall above his table!! He puts the groceries away and his fridge inside is clean. I have a weird thing with cleanliness. Living with four boys for thirty years has turned me into a neat freak now that they are grown and gone. Before he shows me the rest of his house he grabs me and hugs me. I just sink into his big embrace. He hugs me so tight. He smells so good. No Cologne, just his smell.

He shows me his house. A definite bachelor pad. There is a gray sectional and an ottoman. He has a huge Scarface picture over the couch. There is a big picture window looking on to his front, grassy yard. His SUV is parked out there.

One wall is dominated by his TV and his stereo. His still has a turntable. No cd player for Robbie. He is old school. Surrounding his TV and stereo is an unbelievable amount of albums and movies. He has seen every movie ever made, I’m pretty convinced.

His living room walls are covered with all kinds of pictures and framed album covers. There is a Mets flag over a door. A neon Budweiser light. Right next to the Budweiser light is a framed picture of Son of Sam. How ironic. I thought of my mom and laughed. Both Robbie and I are fascinated with serial killers.

His second bedroom is filled with Star Wars figures still in the packages and music equipment. There is a drum set in the corner and guitars on the walls. Amplifiers and a mike stand. I’ve heard him play the guitar and sing. He is amazing.

His bathroom is small and clean. His shower curtain has a man on it, maybe someone from Star Wars. Every time I walk into the bathroom it startles me.

He is so comfortable to be around. I can say anything to him.

Later, I am sitting on the couch. He is standing, sorting thru all his albums, looking for something, talking to me. I take two pictures of him. I will always remember this moment. It’s the moment that I know that I want him. I want a relationship with him. I want to sleep with him. I might even want to spend the rest of my life with him.

He comes and sits on the couch with me and I tell him that I was so nervous earlier when I got off the plane. I tell him that I’m not nervous now and I want him to kiss me. He puts his arm around my shoulder, leans down to kiss me….

I put my arms around his back. I sink into him.

His lips softly touch my lips. We close our eyes. He tilts his head. His tongue touches my tongue. My mind goes blank, I can’t focus. I’m in trouble…..

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