August 20, 2017

Today was the saddest day I’ve had since Luke died. I think I’m going crazy. I can’t stop crying. Everytime I’m alone I break down and cry. I’m always alone.

I’m behind on all my bills because I have to stay busy. I don’t have the money to pay all my bills and go places so I’ve not paid my bills. I’m going to take a loan out of my 401k to pay them off.

I don’t get paid until next Friday. Wyatt and Rae and the kids were gone today and I was alone. When I’m alone I start getting anxious. I get scared. I start shaking and then I start crying.

Today I had the worst melt down ever. I started to cry and couldn’t stop. I sat down on the couch in the family room and covered my mouth to try and stop and I couldn’t. I started to sob uncontrollably. I was so afraid my neighbors were going to hear me so I got up and closed all the windows and blinds. It was so hot. I live in the mountains so I don’t have air conditioning. It’s fine with the windows open but as soon as I closed them it got so hot.

I was sobbing so loudly. I put my music on as loud as it would go. I laid down on the family room floor since that was as far away from all of my windows as I could get. I could hear my neighbors outside, on their deck, talking and laughing.

I rolled myself into a blanket, covered my head, shoved a pillow over my face and sobbed. I cried over losing my husband. I cried because I knew I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. I was never going to be held at night again. Never loved again. I cried because I knew I was losing Robbie.

I have never felt this distraught in my life. I sobbed for three hours. Great, gasping sobs. I couldn’t catch my breath. I felt alone. Dark. Empty and afraid. I have never, ever considered suicide. I would not, could not do that to my kids. Never.

But today, for the first time ever, I understand how someone could want to end their life. If I had to feel this way all the time I wouldn’t want to live.

I felt like my mind almost broke today. I feel like it will break if this happens again so I can’t let it happen. I have to stay busy.


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