October 1994

Seven months pregnant. Luke isn’t working. He’s on drugs again. Actually, he never stopped. It was just wishful thinking on my part.

He picked me up after work today. All we have is my truck and he’s always driving it.

We live an hour and 15 minutes away from everyone because it’s cheaper to live here. It’s not a bad house but I’m so far away.

It’s Friday night. Beau is at my mom’s for the weekend. We don’t have any food at the house.

I’m 23 and struggling to pay for everything. Luke leaves to go get money. I don’t know where or how and I don’t ask. He says he has a job but I never see a paycheck. I ate a big lunch so I’m not starving. I go lay in my bed and watch TV. I fall asleep.

I wake up Saturday and he still isn’t home. I’m hungry and pissed. I have no way to get a hold of him. We’ve been married for seven months. I knew the day after we eloped that it was a mistake.

How can he leave me alone, 7 months pregnant and with no food? What if he got arrested? What if my truck got impounded and I have no way to get to work? I’m upset.

Saturday night. I’m starving and furious. He knew I hadn’t eaten since Friday at lunch. I’m pregnant. I’m too proud to call my mom. Luke and I were going to get married when we were 19. My mom said she wouldn’t come to my wedding. She said she wasn’t going to dance on my grave . So at 23 I eloped. I’m too stubborn to tell her she was right.

Sunday morning. Still no Luke. No phone call of explanation. I’m so angry and hungry and I’m distraught because I know he is just being selfish and thoughtless. I’m laying on the living room floor and I’m sobbing and I’m praying and realizing how difficult I have made my life.

“Please God, let Luke be dead. I can’t do this anymore “. I am praying that he got in an accident so I could get social security.

I know I can’t live without him while he’s alive and walking the earth so it would be easier if he were dead.

He shows up Sunday night. He doesn’t even apologize. He just walks in, hands me a cold bacon cheeseburger. I hate bacon cheeseburgers, how does he not know this? I throw it at him. He walks into the bathroom and I just go to bed.

I wake up Monday and go to work. At lunch time, I go to my grandmas and eat.

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