May 9, 2017

Austin texted me pictures of what he got Hannah for their anniversary and it upset me. It feels like I’ll never be happy again.

I knew Luke was going to die early and I’ve told myself everyday for 15 years that when he died I would never get married or date again. I loved Luke. I can’t imagine ever committing my life to another person. No way. I never want to invest my entire life just to be hurt like this again.

I’m starting to get resentful towards Luke and it makes me feel so bad but I can’t help it. I devoted my life to him and the boys and he drank and partied. I told him for years it was going to kill him and that’s exactly what happened. Now I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life and it’s not fair.

On top of all this, Drew isn’t doing good at all. He’s taken Luke’s death so hard and he’s been drinking way too much. He is only 19 years old. I can’t lose any of my boys.

I talked to Beau and he is taking Drew up north with him to live. I bought Drews plane ticket today. This is something else I resent Luke for. I feel like I have to send my baby away. Luke made drinking every day seem fun. I feel like Luke passed on his addictive personality to Drew and I am so angry.

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