March 16, 2017

Since Luke died I can’t stop wondering what happens when you die. I worry about Luke being scared or just being gone. I believe in reincarnation but when someone close to you dies, suddenly you question your beliefs.

I am a thinker. If I don’t understand something, it drives me crazy. I’ve been searching for stuff to read on dying. If I can’t find an answer that makes sense to me it will upset me forever, wondering what happened to Luke.

I finally found something that makes sense to me. My friend Hannah’s mom died and also her best friend so after Luke died she reached out to me and sent me some books to read. It made me feel better and I believe that this is what happens after you die, so here goes…

I believe that when you die you are greeted and welcomed by loved ones. Sometimes when someone is sick their subconscious knows their dying and sometimes you see your dead loved ones. I truly believe this because two weeks before Luke died, when he was sleeping, he would raise his arms in the air like he was reaching for something. It would wake me up and I would roll over and pull his arms back down. He never remembered doing it. After I read this, I truly believe he was seeing his loved ones. It gave me the chills.

After you die you go through a life review while your soul rests. Depending on your life it could take a month or two or a year. You review your life like a movie. Not to point out the bad you’ve done, but to see how your life impacted others. During this time you don’t get to watch over your loved ones. I think that maybe this is why I don’t feel Luke around me.

After your life review you can then watch over your loved ones. I figure Luke has a lot to review so I won’t feel his presence for awhile.

I went and got tattoos today.  Luke had my name tattooed on him in several places.  I got his name and the word love on my wrists.  I didn’t have anything thought out. I just asked the guy to do it.  I don’t love it but I feel like I needed to honor Luke.

I’m so sad but I stopped crying. I don’t know why I can’t cry.

I’m going to keep busy because if I stop moving I just sit and think. I feel like if I stop, my mind will break and I’ll never be the same again.

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