February 1994

I tracked Luke down. He was visiting his step brother at his dad’s house. I got butterflies when I heard his voice.

I asked him how he’s been. He said he was really good. I never asked if he was off drugs. I still, even now, live in denial when I want something and I know it isn’t good for me.

He said he was getting ready to move out of state. I tell him that he can’t leave. That I want another baby so we need to get married. He’s quiet for a few seconds then tells me I’m funny. I tell him in serious. I know he doesn’t believe me. He hasn’t heard from or seen me in over a year.

I tell him I want to see him after work. He agrees to meet me. He doesn’t have a car so I agree to meet him at his dad’s.

When I see him I can’t help but smile. Luke had always been so good looking. He is so tall and I’ve always loved thicker guys. They make me feel safe. His head is shaved and he is so tan.

I can tell he is leary of me. He doesn’t believe that I want to get married. I hug him and he hangs on tight and so do I. I soak in his scent, bury my face in his neck. I never want to let go. I’ve missed him so badly. He leans down and kisses me. This is where I belong.

We go to McDonald’s and sit in the parking lot and talk. He said he’s been working. He asks me about work and about Beau. He is still leary.

I am eating valentine’s candy, the hearts with the words on them. I hand him one and tell him to read it out loud. He does.
“Marry me”

I say yes and he laughs. I tell him that I’m going to pick him up after work tomorrow and we are going to get married. He laughs and says OK.

I take him back to his dad’s and kiss him goodnight. I tell him that I’ll see him tomorrow.

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