April 1988

I am still unbelievably naive about my body. I go to the doctors and I go alone. I am scared and embarrassed. I have to get undressed and I am mortified. The doctor checks my breasts and I am beet red. He tries to do the internal exam but I am so scared and clenched up and I can’t relax. I still remember Victoria telling me how painful this all is.

The doctor gets so frustrated with me that he throws the spectrum down and says “I don’t know how you managed to get yourself pregnant in the first place “. He walks out of the room and the nurse sits and holds my hand and gives me a pep talk. I am crying. How the hell am I going to give birth??

I manage to get thru this internal exam and I’m sent to the lab where they take tubes of blood from me. Then off to get a sonogram since I’m so far along. Everything is OK with the baby. They tell me that I am having a little boy! I am excited. It feels real. I know my mom is going to be upset. She hates boys but I am thrilled.

I still see Luke. He gives me 50.00 every weekend for the baby. He is still sleeping with everyone and I am still devastated and humiliated.

Austin has been coming around everyday after work. He just spends time with me. I have moved back to my mom’s because Nana can’t afford me and her house is full. I had been sleeping on Nana’s couch. My mom and step dad still don’t speak to me. I have isolated myself away from my old friends because I am ashamed. I have made a few new friends that are pregnant also.

I wait for Austin everyday. He went with me to buy new clothes because I have grown out of everything. I am seven months pregnant now. Austin and I are in the store. I am digging for my wallet and the cashier asks Austin when I am due. She assumes he is the dad. I am once again ashamed. I’m sure Austin doesn’t want anyone thinking he was stupid enough to get someone pregnant. I am about to tell her that he isn’t the dad and I know she is going to judge me. Before I can say it, Austin puts his hands on my back and says “Were having a boy in August “. I turn and look at Austin. The cashier congratulates us and I don’t even look at her. I am so grateful to Austin. I am grateful to him and he knows it. I fall a little in love with him in that moment.


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