1998-2003 The first bout of depression

I finally went back to work. I got a job at a big company. The boys were 10, 3 and 1 years old. I put them in an at home daycare for awhile.

Wyatt is extremely shy and he cried every day when I dropped him off. It broke my heart but I had to work.

Beau took the bus there after school. I picked the kids up after work one day and Beau told me that Wyatt was crying so the lady put soap in his mouth. I wanted to hurt her. I was crying when I walked in our house and I told Luke what happened. He tried to take off in the car to go to her house. I knew if he did he would end up in jail. Part of me wanted him to go.

I called my mom and she agreed to watch them until I found another sitter. She drove down from the mountains with my step dad every day, went to Nana’s and I dropped the kids off there. She took Beau to school and picked him up. Beau went to school by my in-laws house since they lived in a good area.

I needed to move out of my house since the neighborhood was getting bad. Nana said me and the boys could stay there for two months until I saved up and found a new house. Luke moved in with a friend. I had been at Nana’s for a month when she came home and told me she quit her job. She had worked there for 40 years. She hated the new owners so she just quit.

She asked me to stay at her house since she couldn’t afford the bills by herself. I told her that I was married and couldn’t just live with her and support her. She started crying and said she would have to go into a home. She had five kids and not one of them offered to help her. I got stuck in her house for five years. In a two bedroom mobile home. I shared one room with all three of my boys. She took the boys to school and watched them after school. She complained every moment. She did not like Wyatt at all.

I saw Luke as often as I could but without me with him he got really bad into drugs.

I went thru my first depression while living there. I had been feeling exhausted and shaky every day. I couldn’t eat. I had been missing work on and off for two weeks. I was dizzy and out of breath.

One day I took off work and went to the emergency room. I thought I had cancer or something terrible. They ran every test imaginable and everything was fine. It was depression.

I didn’t get any medicine or therapy. I just dealt with it. Sometimes it got better, sometimes it got worse. At least I knew what it was. I’ve always had anxiety. This was just an extension of that.

I just spent those five years working and going to baseball with the kids. All three boys played so I was at the field six days a week. It was my escape and I loved it. I hated the off season.

In 2001 Luke got arrested. Several times for drug related offenses. He was put in a program where he had to drug test every day. He went back to working with John and Clint and was finally doing good. I needed to move out but I didn’t know what to do with Nana.

One day on the way back from dropping the boys off at school she ran a red light and totalled her car. Her kids decided she couldn’t drive any more. I was relieved. I told my mom and four uncles that I was moving and they needed to help their mom. I needed to move back in with my husband. I felt bad but I had spent five years at her house. I needed my life back.

Luke and I moved up to the mountains. He grew up there as a kid. The schools were great and my mom said she would watch my kids for me before and after school.

Luke was off drugs finally. We rented a house and for the first time since we got married 9 years ago I was happy.


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