1996/1997

This is the year I decide to go to college. Wyatt is 1 years old and Nana will watch him while I go to class. I want to go work for the FBI. I’ve always been fascinated by serial killers and what makes them tick.

Luke is still on drugs. After Wyatt was born he started trying to get clean. He didn’t live with Beau and I until Beau was three years old. They are close but Luke was there when Wyatt was born and there is such a bond between them. Luke struggles with addiction. He slips but he is trying. I try and be supportive.

I am starting my second semester when I realize I am pregnant again. I am so upset. I decide to just stick it out and keep going.

I am not, nor have I ever been, a demonstrative person but when I’m pregnant I turn into a weepy, clingy mess. Everytime Luke walks in a room I have to be sitting on his lap or next to him or he has to be holding my hand. I cry constantly. I am insecure. I hate being pregnant so I try and pretend I’m not. I get up and get Beau ready and take him to school. I then do my homework and clean. I pick Beau up from school and then take him and Wyatt to Nana’s and then go to school. I rush home from school and usually have to go to Beau’s baseball practice or a game.

When Luke leaves I cry so I cry a lot. At least I have school to distract me. I don’t tell anyone I’m pregnant. I don’t want to hear anyone complain. I am now living off of student loans but I don’t ever ask anyone for help.

I am in denial this entire pregnancy. At seven months along I finally make a doctor’s appointment. He sends me to an emergency ultrasound. My mom happens to be at Nana’s and when I leave she wants me to take her to the store. I tell her sure, after my sonogram. I can tell she is pissed but I don’t care.

She goes with me and they ask if I want to know the sex of the baby. I tell them I already know it’s a boy. I just had a feeling. I know my mom was hoping for a girl so when they confirm is another boy I see the disappointment and I don’t care.

Luke has been home a lot more and working. He is there when I go into labor. I got out of bed and took a shower. I called my aunt to come get Beau and Wyatt and then I woke up Luke. He goes into a panic. I tell him I’m OK and to take a shower and get ready and to calm down. He is in and out of the shower in minutes. When he comes out he sees me on the phone and yells at me to hurry up. He is afraid I’m going to give birth right there in the living room.

I thought I had a ways to go but halfway to the hospital I realize that the baby is coming. I tell Luke to hurry and I see him get scared. If I wasn’t so scared myself I would have laughed.

We barely made it. Drew was born minutes after we got there. It was so fast I didn’t even get any pain meds.

No visitors, my mom didn’t even make an excuse, she just didn’t come.

The next morning Luke picked me up and we left the hospital. I ran home and grabbed my books because I had homework to do. I went and picked up Beau and Wyatt from Nana’s and went straight to Beau’s baseball game. Luke left. I don’t even bother asking him anymore where he goes.

That was my last semester of college. I couldn’t keep up with three kids and school. I was back on disability from having Drew. Luke was kicking in more money but it was a struggle.

Three boys. I told Luke we were never having sex again unless he got a vasectomy. He actually got one.

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