March 10, 2017


Me and the boys and Autumn and Rae went to the resort to arrange Luke’s celebration of life. That’s what they called it. 46 years of living and you get a celebration of life. Luke’s dad paid for everything. $3300.00. We got the ballpark package. We thought he would like that. Sliders, hot dogs, pretzels, fruit and cake. We had an open bar. The kids all said you would want that. I dont think it’s appropriate but they won this one.

We picked a room right on the lake. The kids were laughing about how fancy it is and picturing you walking through there with all your tattoos.

There is so much to do when someone dies. Its so overwhelming. Later, I will realize what a good thing this is. It keeps me busy.

I have no idea where to start. Rae and Autumn step in and take over. I don’t know how they know what to do, but I am grateful.

We went to the craft store and bought a huge poster board and stickers and glue. We also bought a memory album. We printed out a ton of pictures of Luke, from childhood to recent.

Those girls went to work on this awesome poster board of Luke and Luke with everyone that was important to him. They set it up at Luke’s celebration of life. They took the album and asked everyone to write their favorite memory of Luke in it. I will cherish this forever. They also have someone make a PowerPoint of pictures that plays constantly at the service.

I don’t think I sleep more than two hours a night. I keep myself busy all day then go to my room and fall apart. I fall asleep for two hours, wake up all fall apart again and then just get up and do it all over again. I can’t eat either. For days the kids have tried to get me to eat and I just can’t.

Luke’s mom called and she is a mess. She lives up north and we rarely see her. She tells me Luke had just called her to tell her that he wants her to be close to his boys. We cry on the phone together. I’ve never been close to her but I know her heart must be broken.

She tells me the next day that she isn’t coming to the service. I cannot believe what I am hearing. Luke is her only child. She keeps asking me what I would do in her situation. I tell her that I’m not in her situation and she needs to decide for herself. She asks me three times. I tell her that I would row a boat from China if one of my boys died. She gets upset with me. I haven’t talked to her since. It’s been 14 months.

The day before Luke’s service we all go to lunch and to wander around town. We walked past a couple who are making out. The guy has his hands on the girls ass. We walked past and all laugh. It then hits me that Luke will never kiss me or hug me again. I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life. I start crying and can’t stop so we have to leave.



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