October 2, 2018

I think Luke slept with someone.

Saturday, Wyatt and I were driving back from the store. He mentioned something about Luke’s obituary. I told him that I had no idea that he had one. The mortuary must have posted one. Wyatt told me that Drew googled Luke’s name and it popped up. It’s online and people can post on it.

There was one post from some girl named Juliette. It seemed intimate to me. Like she knew him well. I knew all his friends or at least I’d heard of them. I didn’t remember her. Luke had a Facebook but I wasn’t his friend on there. He asked me to be but I didn’t want his friends seeing my personal life.

She talked about how she couldn’t believe that he was gone and how special he was too her. That she missed him and she couldn’t believe he was gone so suddenly. She wanted him to look after his kids and hers too. He would always have a special place in her heart.

Who was this woman? I had no idea. I asked Wyatt if he thought Luke would have done that and he said no way.

I texted Drew about it and he said that he wouldn’t have done that. I asked him if he had any idea who she was. He told me that he went to school with her daughter and that Luke worked with her. That’s when I remembered….

In 2009, after I left Luke he was drinking a lot. I was so sick of always looking out for him and him not looking out for me. I needed to be alone. I needed to know that I could handle life on my own.

Luke usually did construction but that slows in the winter. He had gotten a job at a bed and breakfast as a handy man. When I moved out, he moved into the inn. Juliette worked there also.

Cancer does terrible things to your way of thinking. It changes your view on life. Life is suddenly scary. You lose all your innocence. You now know that anything can happen at any time because this time it actually happened to YOU.

Because of this I needed to be by myself. I also knew Luke was going to kill himself and I was so angry at him.

I had forgotten about this night until Drew reminded me of who she was. Luke called me and we got into an argument over the phone. I’d had it with everything. With his drinking and his running from problems and his irresponsibility. I told him that I wanted a divorce. I had never said said that before. But I meant it. I told him I was done and I wanted us to move on. Luke was devastated.

A couple days later I went by the Inn because I needed to talk to him. He was giving me money for dog food. We walked into his room and there was a bra on his bed. We both saw it at the same time and he said that the waitress changed in his room. I didn’t believe him. He swore nothing happened but my gut said he was lying.

I think that night I told him that I wanted a divorce he got completely trashed and slept with her. I had told him to move on. I just walked out and didn’t say a word.

I had always been loyal to Luke. I’ve always defended Luke because he was my husband. That was my one job. To take care of my husband and I think he betrayed me. I never betrayed him. Ever.

I feel stupid for being so loyal. Maybe I should have left years ago? Should I feel stupid?

September 22, 2018

The Yaya’s and I went to see a medium today. We paid $17 bucks for a bar seat at a Spanish restaurant. I figured bad or good, you can’t beat that price, ya know?

It was interesting. We were all hoping our boys would show up. Luke, Grady, James, Daisy’s first husband Connor and Victoria’s older brother Tommy.

Daisy’s ex-husband Connor was also an alcoholic and hanged himself in 2014. It was a tragedy and it knocked Daisy on her ass for three years. Victoria’s brother Tommy died two weeks after Luke died. He died in prison. He’d been in there since I was a teenager.

We met at Clemmy’s in the morning and she made us breakfast. She lives in a trailer park and it fits her. Not in a bad way, at all. She’s just a wild, white girl and it fits her. She told me she always wanted to live in one. Her husband is on disability for a chronic disease, I don’t know which one and I didn’t want to pry.

Grace and I rode together so we could catch up. We met Bobbie there. Grace brought her yearbook at we ate and went through it and took a stroll down memory lane. It was nice remembering and also finding out new stuff about old friends. Like hearing that Mikey has gone bat shit crazy on steroids and has sent penis pictures to every one, including his family. Also that little Jimmy was murdered last year. Sad, but no one was surprised. We talked about all of our old friends and their kids and divorces and affairs and failures and successes. We talked about how Bobbie six packed me right in the face during a volleyball game and how I met Clemmy for the first time, her sitting on the curb crying her eyes out over a boy. Grace and I were neighbors.

Bobbie drove us to the restaurant. There were probably 30 of us there. The medium was a really chunky, middle aged white woman. She introduced herself and told us about herself. She said she was a medium and so was her mom. She was pretty funny. It felt like I was watching a stand up comedian. She told us that there was about 150 spirits in the room with us. Well…

I believe there are mediums and psychics that are genuine. I am skeptical by nature and I did not believe her. She got a lot wrong when she was talking to people. At one point though, she pointed to us four and said there was a group of people standing by us. I’m pretty sure we all had small heart attacks. She got distracted and moved to the other side of the room. We all looked at each other like WTH??

She also described someone, with a small dog that could have easily been Bobbie’s dad. The woman in front of us said it was her father so Bobbie didn’t say anything.

I was on the fence still at the point. When she told us about Patrick Swayze jumping in her body I was, at the point, pretty sure she was full of shit.

The Yaya’s believed her so I went along with it. We all had a blast, anyway. Grace wanted to go to a private reading with her so I eventually told her that I didn’t believe that she was real.

We did find a medium that comes highly recommended that we are going to see. He’s in LA and he charges $150 for a 45 minutes session. I’m looking forward to that. Maybe Luke and James will tell us we are crazy and tell us to get over these brothers.

I worked 6-6 all week and I’m exhausted but I need the money. The boys are coming home on two weeks and I’m so excited!!

I haven’t talked to Married Guy in a couple months. I think me back with the Yaya’s freaks him out. I’m OK with that. He was just a distraction.

Grace and I had a marathon text session last night about Parker. She’s as obsessed with him as I was with Robbie. I worry about her. I think she loves him. They are both married and I don’t see how this could end happy.

She asked me more about Robbie so I told her everything. She has hope for us, she says. I don’t know if I do anymore. It all feels surreal.

He had a gig last night. I haven’t talked to him in a week. I’m really trying to move on.

Baseball is almost over. The playoffs start in October and then it’s the countdown for spring training in March.

I hate winter. Cold, snowy, high bills, no baseball, no BBQ’S, no shorts, no flowers. UGH!!!!

I weigh 162 and stuck there but they say the slower it comes the better chance of keeping it off.

September 15, 2018

I stayed home Thursday and Friday. I didn’t feel very well. I just layed around and watched tv and relaxed for a change.

I think summer is over. It ended early this year. I’ve always loved fall. The leaves are starting to fall already. It’s in the 40s at night and the low 70s during the day.

I’m not ready for winter this year. Winter depresses me. It’s always so cold and icy. I don’t feel like I’m warm for 7 months. My utilities are so high. No more bbq’s, potato salad, sitting on my deck in the morning with my cup of coffee.

I feel like the summers ending and I’m going into a new beginning. But I want it NOW.

I had my interview with HR yesterday. It went well. The only thing that they might be concerned about is my pay. I will have to take a 10k a year pay cut. That bothers me but the only other option I have is staying here.

It’s expensive here. I don’t feel like I’ll ever get ahead. Plus, I need a new start. Brand new life, no baggage.

I know the summers in Arizona will be miserable but the rest of the year will be beautiful. I can’t wait to have a garden and not have to bundle up in boots and gloves and hats and scarves every time I leave my house. No more digging my car out! No more sliding around in the ice. No more shoveling my stairs. I’ll be closer to shopping and restaurants. No more living with bad memories.

Am I running away? Probably. Do I care? Nope.

New life….

Hauntings and Ghosts: 2010

I don’t live with Luke. We are still married but I talk to him every day. I can’t live with him. His drinking is really bad.

I moved into a nice rental. It’s a 4 bedroom with two bathrooms. It’s huge and beautiful and really cheap.

Weird things have been happening. Beau moved back in with his girlfriend temporarily because he got laid off. He told me that when he was sleeping he woke up because he was having a hard time breathing. He said that it felt like someone was sitting on his chest. His girlfriend was trying to shake him awake because he was gasping. Beau told me that it felt like he was being choked. He said he thought he felt hands on his throat. He jumped out of bed and he was fine, he said.

Wyatt and Drew have a new friend that just moved to town. I’ve become friends with the kids mom, Georgia. She tried to make nice with the moms at school but they wouldn’t talk to her. They have said nasty things about her son.

That’s the bad thing about living in a small town. It’s so inclusive. The women up here don’t want to let you in to their group. It’s ridiculous.

One of the members of the PTA actually called me to tell me that my kids shouldn’t hang out with him. Ridiculous. Nope, I’m not like that.

One night Georgia came by to pick up her son. We were standing in my entry way chatting when I heard Wyatt start yelling. I ran over to see what happened and he had been putting super glue on something and it exploded and squirted into both eyes. I grabbed my purse and took him to the emergency room. He was OK, thank God. Georgia came by when I got home. She told me that she didn’t want me to think she was weird but that she thought my house was haunted. I immediately thought she was weird. Well, not weird. The truth is, that it scared me because that was in the back of my head.

Another time I had gone to bed and Beau and his girlfriend were downstairs on the couch watching a movie. I was drifting off to sleep when someone started pounding on my bedroom door. I got up and opened the door and walked downstairs to ask Beau why he was pounding on my door. No one else was home. He swore that he didn’t knock on my door. I didn’t believe him. I just asked him recently and he still swears he never knocked on my door that night.

The boys were always kind of afraid to be in the house alone.

My mom and my grandmother and my great grandmother have seen ghosts and talked to them. That has always scared me to death and I made sure to keep a closed mind about all about because I don’t want to see anyone once they’ve left this earth.

After work one day I stopped at the grocery store to go shopping before I went home. I was in my SUV. I opened the back hatch and put my groceries in and shut it. I put the cart away. I walked over and got into my truck and I starteded it. I looked in my rearview mirror to back out and there was a little girl with long black hair sitting in the backseat. She didn’t look scary. She just looked like a normal girl with long black hair and she looked right at me.

I turned around and she was gone. I jumped out of the car and slammed the door. I was so terrified. My windows were really darkly tinted and I was afraid to my put my face against the glass to look in. I was afraid to open the back door. I walked around to the back and I opened up the hatch and I looked in there. I got on my knees and looked over the edge of the backseat and didn’t see anything. Then I opened all the doors and searched. My truck was empty. My first thought was that I had a brain tumor. There was no little girl in my car. I saw her clear as day.

I got in the car and I moved the rearview mirror so it was pointing up so I couldn’t look into the mirror because I was so afraid. I called my mom and kind of chuckled and I told her that I saw a little girl in the backseat. Then I started crying.

My mom told me that it wouldn’t hurt me and that I needed to go home and put salt all away around my house in a big circle. Who else’s mom would say that? Lol. Most mom’s would tell their daughters that they had lost their minds. Not my mom…

I got home and I didn’t want to scare the kids but I told him that we needed to put salt in a complete circle around the house. The first thing they asked was “is the house is haunted”. I ended up telling them what I saw. We put salt completely around the house and it seem to be OK after that. Shortly after that we move to Texas.

We were in Texas when everyone started having demon dreams. I don’t even like talking about it, it scares me so bad. I’m home alone and I am sitting on my bed scared right now but I’m gonna write about this any way.

In Texas Luke and I were in bed and I had this nightmare. Luke woke me up. He shook me, until I woke up. He said I was moaning in my sleep so bad he thought I was having a heart attack.

In the dream, I was in our bathroom and the lights were off. Something that I couldn’t see was flinging me all over the bathroom. It was throwing me against the ceiling and then I would fall to the ground. Then I would get thrown against the wall and then I would fall to the ground. Over and over.

Drew started having the same kind of dreams also. Wyatt doesn’t have the same dream but he has nightmares so bad that he ends up jumping out of bed and falling onto the floor. Rae has woken him up several times when he was yelling on the floor. He never remembers what the dreams are about.

Beau never had any dreams.

I’ve had two or three dreams a year up until 2016 when I moved into this house. We saged this house and I haven’t had one dream, knock on wood. Drew still has them occasionally. Wyatt doesn’t have them anymore.

I have talked to my mom about it and she said that I had them because of negativity in my life. When I thought about it the only time I ever had the dreams was when Luke was with me. She thinks that his alcoholism and depression caused me to have them. He could have had them also but he drank so much he wouldn’t have remembered.

Drew drinks and she thinks maybe that’s why he still has them. I am as closed as I can be with that as I can. I don’t like thinking about stuff like that because it scares me and I hope I never see anything again

September 9, 2018

Sunday. The weekend goes by so fast. I don’t like my job anymore. I really hope I get a job in Arizona. I spoke with the recruiter and he is really nice. I explained my situation, you know, widow, kids gone, California is expensive, no family here, Yada Yada Yada. He said he would help me find a job.

He explained that even if I do a lateral move I’m going to take a pay cut. I really don’t want too, but to get out of here and have a better quality of life, I’ll do it. I mean, not a huge pay cut but I’ll give up maybe 8k a year. That’s how bad I want to get out of here. How bad I need a change.

I was talking to Grace more last night. I don’t like her husband. I think she’s brainwashed. I think he’s manipulative. I don’t think she realizes that. She told me that she told him that she wanted a divorce in 2005 and he threatened to kill himself. I told her that was manipulation and that even if he did that would never be her fault.

When we were going to the concert she told me that he wasn’t jealous of Parker at all, that he was more jealous of me. I had no idea what she meant but I think I do now.

Parker and her husband are friends on Facebook. They chat occasionally. She hates it. Look, it’s a weird situation but who am I to judge? I lived with an addict and an alcoholic for 30 years. Instead of leaving, I isolated myself. Looking back, I realize how stupid that was but you’re in the middle of your life and you can’t see clearly. I get that. People told me to leave and that wasn’t even a possibility to me. That’s where she is at.

I asked her if she could tell her husband that she was done with Parker and that she could still talk to him without her husband knowing. She said No, because that would be cheating on her husband and she wouldn’t ever do that.

So then I said just tell him that your done. Your not doing this thing with him and Parker anymore. She said she could, but then he might find someone else and she doesn’t want to be with a strange man. That bothers me. That she feels like she doesn’t have a choice.

And wait, before anyone thinks I’m OK with any affair, I’m not, so let me explain my thinking. She’s doing this thing with Parker no matter what. There’s nothing I can say to stop it and I’m not going to judge her. I’m just trying to help her get a little clarity, to try and step back a little from the situation and just think.

And Parker. I think Grace is in love with him but I’m starting to not like Parker. I know she hasn’t told him how she really feels. I know he’s married and cheating. But doesn’t he see that she has feelings for him? How can he do this? Surely be doesn’t think that she enjoys her husband being involved…

So she can talk to Parker as much as she wants. Her husband doesn’t care. She realizes how sad that is. She also admitted that she doesn’t love him anymore. She said that he asks her all the time if she is in love with him and she evades the question. I think that the only thing he worries about is her leaving him. I don’t think he’s jealous of me, I think he’s worried about how much time she’s been spending with me. I think he worries that she will tell me about their life and I’ll make her realize how twisted and manipulitive he is. That I’ll tell her that it’s ok to leave him. And he’d be right. He’s an asshole and she deserves better.

I told her that therapy worked wonders for me. That she could talk to a third party who wasn’t on anyone’s side. Someone who could look at her situation and help her work thru what she really wants. I don’t think she is ready for that but I’m gonna work on her.

September 8, 2018

Grace and I met up after work for dinner and a movie. It’s nice to have her back in my life. We talked more about her and Parker. The details.

I think she’s in love with him but won’t admit it to herself. I don’t blame her. That would just complicate everything even more.

Hearing about Parker is making it harder to get over Robbie.  Maybe he will never text me again and I’ll get over him. Eventually…..

Mets won!

162.7. I’m getting there!