The hustle is real

Its been so long since I’ve written. I’ve been so busy. Since I’ve last written I’ve rented out my house in California, Wyatt, Rae and the kids have moved here and we are all settled in a house.

I have three jobs. I’m determined to get caught up on my bills and get financially stable again. I still work for the bank but I also deliver food at night through a delivery service and I got a job at a stadium. The food delivery is really easy and I average 100.00 a week. I start at the stadium in a couple weeks. I’ll be working the Garth Brooks concert and I’m excited about that!

Em had a baby girl and she is just beautiful! Her and Charlotte don’t talk anymore. I don’t know why and I’m not getting into it.

Charlotte and I still talk everyday. I miss sitting next to her all day. We still chat through instant message at work all day.

Grace and I talk everyday still. We support each other when one of us is having a bad day. I cried last week and she got me through it. Today was hard for her. Parker hasn’t talked to her since December.

Robbie still texts to check in. I rarely text him. He texted me yesterday to let me know he paid for the baseball package so I could start watching. He won’t let me chip in for it. We were chatting and I said something about him moving when we were kids and not telling me goodbye. He said something like he never says goodbye because you never know who might come around again. I asked Joey later what that meant and he said he said he thinks he didn’t want to say goodbye because he thinks we will get together again and he wants that. I don’t know. I’m just gonna live my life and see where it takes me.

Alabama in the City

Life is better. I’m happy, getting happier. With myself. I haven’t found a place of my own yet but I will as soon as I find a renter for my house. My aunt cooks dinner for me. My uncle entertains me. I haven’t lived with anyone since I was 18.

I work downtown in the middle of high rises. It’s amazing. I told Beau that when I’m walking downtown amongst all the other people in their business clothes and tennis shoes, crossing busy intersections and riding the bus or light rail that I feel like a grown up. Alamaba in the City! I never even imagined.

I lived in California but I lived in a small town in the mountains. We were surrounded by trees. I knew every one. The pace was slow. It was an awesome place to raise my boys.

That feels like another life. I was another person. Was that the real Alabama? The Alabama who woke up at the crack of dawn and hit the ground running? Get up, make sure Beau was headed towards the bus stop and that he had his backpack. Wake up Wyatt. Drew was always up and getting ready. Shower, dress, blow dry, yelling at the kids to jump in the car with their backpacks. I dropped them off at my mom’s. She fed them breakfast and took them to the bus stop.

Off to work and then usually someone had baseball practice after work or they were going snow boarding. I made dinner, cleaned the house and I didn’t sit down until it was time to sleep. I loved my kids, loved being a mom.

Now, I get up at the crack of dawn and go to work. That’s it. I’m happy. The only person I have to take care of is me.

Another life. New state, new job, new friends. Am I still running or am I just becoming the real me?

Running away

Its what I do.  It’s what I’ve always done. I keep myself busy, work myself to death until whatever it is I’m running from or avoiding just fades away.  

I don’t run from responsibility or financial problems.  I’ve been on my own for so long I can handle the day to day shit that life throws at me.  Bills.  Broken cars.  Busted pipes.  I can handle all of that.

Emotion.  That’s what I can’t handle.  That’s what makes me run.  

I took care of my Nana. Always. I did her errands, took her to her doctors appointments and watched way too many hours of Lifetimes movies with her because she loved them.  

When she retired and didn’t have the money to live on her own, I moved her in with me.

When my house flooded the plumber told me that she could get pneumonia from the mold.  He suggested she leave for a week.  She went to my uncles house.  Without telling me, he put her in a home.  He got power of attorney and wouldn’t let me take her back.  I asked two of my other uncles to help me.  They chose to do nothing.  

I would go visit her and she would cry and beg me to take her home.  My  boys and I were going to shove her out the window and take her out of state but none of the windows would open. 

Nana died within a year.  I moved out of state and haven’t spoken to any of them. We were close. My mom was so young when she had me that they were like my brothers. That was ten years ago.  I’ll never speak to them again.  I’m done with them.  

Everyone betrays you eventually.  It’s usually not intentional, but it happens.  Always.  I expect it.  It doesn’t hurt when it’s someone you’re not emotionally invested with.  So I don’t get invested.  At least I try not too.  

I have trusted two people.  They have unintentionally betrayed me.  It devastated me.  Both times.  

I trusted Luke.  He was an addict.  He lied.  I kept trusting him and he betrayed me over and over. Halfway through our marriage, he told me I was cold.  He would hug me and I would just pat his back and then walk away.  I stopped telling him I loved him. He would get so hurt but I was so angry all the time.  No, that’s not true.  I was hurt all the time.  He never meant to hurt me but he did and I could never get over it.  I couldn’t run away from my husband so I shut down.  For 15 years I turned all my emotions off.  I was done.  I promised myself I would never trust anyone again.

Robbie came back into my life.  I trusted him.  I kept telling myself I was going to regret it.  I couldn’t help it.  I spilled everything to him.  All my emotions.  My secrets.  My fears and my hopes.  I fell in love with him.  He kept telling me to slow down.  He didn’t want to jump into a relationship and ruin our friendship.  I wanted a life with him so bad. He didn’t want the same.

I’m trying so hard to shut my emotions off and I can’t.  I moved.  I got a new job.  I’m getting a second job.  I’m staying as busy as I can all day, everyday day.  The second I sit and rest he invades my mind.  I can’t get him out of it. I’ll be working and he will text me.  He tells me he is just checking in to make sure I’m OK.  I tell him in fine.

But I’m not.  I’m devastated.  

“Amid the chaos of that day when all l could hear was the thunder of gunshots and all l could smell was the violence in the air, l look back and am amazed that my thoughts were so clear and true. That three words went through my mind endlessly, repeating themselves like a broken record. You’re so cool. You’re so cool. You’re so cool. And sometimes Clarence asks me what I would have done if he had died. lf that bullet had been two inches more to the left. To this, l always smile, as if l’m not gonna satisfy him with a response. But l always do. l tell him of how l would want to die. That the anguish and the want of death would fade like the stars at dawn. And that things would be much as they are now. Perhaps. Except maybe l wouldn’t have named our son Elvis.”

Soulmates

A soulmate is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity. This may involve similarity, love, romance, platonic relationships, comfort, intimacy, sexuality, sexual activity, spirituality, compatibility and trust.

Luke and I were driving down the road one day in his truck.  He looked at me and told  that he loved me so much that couldn’t get close enough to me. He said he wished he could be a part of me and I Got it. That’s exactly how I felt.  If you don’t understand that, then your not with your soul mate.

Luke was my life plan.  My present and my future.  I met him at 13 and I KNEW he was “THE ONE.”. I felt it in my bones, in my soul.  We were going to get married, buy a house, have kids and a dog.  Sure, I knew we would have ups and downs but when you meet your soul mate, your gonna be happy forever.  That’s what a soul mate is right? It’s your forever person.  

A few years in, I still loved Luke with all my heart but there was a small part of my heart that was starting to resent him.  Was starting to HATE him.  I kept telling myself that he was my soul mate, THE ONE, so I couldn’t give up.  Right?  

Recently, I was talking to Joey on the phone about the mother of his daughter.  He was new to the concept of soul mates so I was looking up info online to send to him.  As I was reading up on this I came across some info that blew my mind! 

I had stumbled across articles about soul mates and them being here to teach you lessons.  What did they mean? Teach us but not complete us.  Let me write that again. Teach us.  But not complete us.  I read this several times.  I was skimming through all these articles and all I could think was “had I been wrong all these years”.  Luke was my soul mate.  He was put on this earth to complete me!  Not teach me life lessons!

I know you travel through life with the same souls.  But now I’m reading that the love of my life,  THE ONE, my SOUL was here to teach me life lessons??  I missed that little part.  Soul mates are forever, spiritually but not physically.  Hello, Mother, Universe, friends, why didn’t any one tell me this?  Did I spend 30 years with Luke because I didn’t finish the book on soul mates? Did I just make both of us miserable?  

Life lessons. There are all kinds of life lessons but apparently there are three major ones we need to learn.  The first one is patience.  I’ve never had it.  I still don’t.  I just take charge and do it myself.  I did everything for Luke.  I never made him do anything. 

The second lesson is unconditional love.  I have that for my boys.  But only my boys.  It’s not that I don’t love anyone.  I DO love others.  But I don’t trust anyone.  Every one betrays you.  Usually it’s unintentional, but it happens.  All the time.

The last one is Trust in the Universe.  Do you know what I say to Grace ALL THE TIME that makes her laugh?  I say “Fuck you, Universe.” 

Things happen all the time that remind me of Robbie.  All. The. Time.  And I hate it.  I hate when I’m keeping myself so busy that I can’t think and then a song comes on that takes me back. I hate when I hear his name in a crowded room. I hate when I’m flipping through the channels and I see one of his favorite movies.  I hate that I ran away from my job, my hometown, my friends and family.  My LIFE.   And the Universe is still screwing with me.  So let me say it again.  FUCK YOU, UNIVERSE!!  I’m supposed to trust the Universe???

This is what I learned reading about soul mates.  I learned that I was wrong.  So very, very wrong.  But then I started thinking about every thing.  About Luke and about lessons.  

I know I loved Luke.  I also know I should have left a long time ago.  But since Luke died, I have changed.  I’ve changed a lot.  I started thinking about these life lessons. Have I learned anything?

Patience.  The boys and my friends always joke about me and my lack of patience.  The boys are used to it.  I can’t remember how many times I drove off without Drew in the car.  Beau and Wyatt knew that when I said it was time to go, they needed to get in the car.  Drew never did.  He was always late.  He was always standing near my car, usually with his hands on the back door of my car, Beau and Wyatt yelling at me that Drew wasn’t in the car yet. I’m amazed that I never ran that kid over.

It also drives Charlotte batty. She points it out to me daily.  When I’m ready to leave, I say goodbye and I go.  But Charlotte likes to walk outside with me after work everyday and Charlotte never hurries.  Never.  I’m standing there with my purse, at her desk because it’s 5 o’clock and I’m ready to go and we leave every day at 5 o’clock.  I mean, this should come as no surprise to her, we’ve had this schedule for years. But there I stand, waiting. Everyday.  Some days I don’t wait and Charlotte gets pissed.  But most days I wait.  I’m learning.

Unconditional love:  this is the hard one.  I don’t know if I’ll ever have this for another human that isn’t my child.  What does that even mean?  Are you supposed to love someone who betrays you?  What do you do if the love of your life cheats on you?  If your parents lie to you?  I mean, you still love them. You can’t help it.  But it certainly isn’t unconditional.  

Trust the Universe:  I have a huge issue with trust. I do believe, however, that everything happens for a reason.  I just have to merge these two together.  I’ve always been afraid to say something that I really wanted out loud because I’ve always thought that it was going to jinx it.  I’ve also read that you should “throw it out to the universe “. What exactly does this mean?  To mean, it means karma.  If you’re positive then you get positivity back.  I need to be positive.  I can do that.  I’ve been getting better.  I don’t think I’ll get out of bed tomorrow and tell the Universe exactly what my deepest desires are.  I’m not ready for that yet.  But as of today, I’ll stop telling the Universe to go Fuck herself…..