June 14, 2017

June 14, 2017

Robbie and I still talk every day. I like him way too much. I like everything about him.

He is so sweet. He listens to me. He is genuinely concerned about me and my well being. He tells me not to text and drive. He texts me good morning everyday day. He has a good job, his own house, three cars and man, he is so good looking.

He sent me this meme, A Johnny Cash quote. I’ll post it.

He texts me Muah every night and tells me to have sweet dreams. He is so sweet.

I think he is too good to be true.

June 13, 2017

I stayed home from work today. When I am stressed it goes straight to my back and locks my back up. Plus I’ve been working on my house and yard and I’m sure that doesn’t help.

This Robbie thing has been killing me. I had no idea how to bring it up but it got brought up because I wasn’t wearing my glasses.

We were texting. I asked him what he was doing. I thought he texted back “laying in bed with you” so I texted back that “he had just made my heart pound”. He asked me why that had made my heart pound. I texted back and told him that I had a crush on him. He responded back with “What are we going to do about this. Are we allowed to have feelings for each other?”

Relief followed by fear. Robbie likes me…

I got my glasses on and what he actually texted was ” laying in bed, you?”. Punctuation people, can change the course of lives!

We’ve been joking about dual incomes and how easier life would be for both of us if we lived together.

He is so sweet. My back has been out and he keeps asking me how I feel. No one’s ever taken care of me. I love this.

We had a conversation about our feelings for each other and how awesome this is and how everything happens for a reason. He said “no more running”.

He’s managed to stay unmarried for 46 years I guess that makes sense….

June 12, 2017

I went to work and told Charlotte and Em about my feelings for Robbie. They said they KNEW. That every thing I say starts with “Robbie said…”

Why didn’t they tell me this? I’m not used to having friends to talk too. I’ve isolated myself away for years. I have never invited anyone over because I never knew if one of Luke’s friends or enemies or even the Police would show up. So no one came over and I have never talked to anyone about my personal life. Not my real life. Not even Daisy.

I started crying. I’ve cried more this year than I’ve cried my entire life. I told them I was done talking to him. That I was never going to put myself in a position to get hurt again even if I had to lose Robbie again.

They told me to think about it first. They argued with me for 20 minutes and told me I need to just let it happen. That I need to let nature take its course. I told them that there was nothing they could say to change my mind.

Then Charlotte said “What if Luke sent him to you?”

I asked her what she was talking about. I could not believe she was telling me that Luke wanted me to date Robbie. That is just ridiculous. Luke was the most jealous man on the planet.

Then she said to look at the timing. That I had missed Robbie for thirty years. That after Luke died no one would have helped me the way Robbie did. She also said, “What if this is Luke’s way of making up for all the crappy things he did over the last thirty years and you throw it all away out of fear?”

That blew my mind. What if she is right? Everything happens for a reason and what if I just walk away from this and I blow my life plan? My only chance at happiness?

I am so scared because I know I have to tell Robbie how I feel. What if he doesn’t have these same feelings? What if I get hurt?

This won’t end well. I know it.

June 11, 2017

I missed Robbie all weekend. He texted me Saturday night to tell me he missed me. He said the drive over the Sierra’s was beautiful and it reminded him of me. That made me smile. It made my heart skip a beat. It scared me.

He called me as soon as he got home Sunday. He told me that he went out drinking with some old friends and at the end of the night an old friend of his was too drunk, she said, to make it home. He was checking into a hotel and she said she didn’t have any money. He got a room with a double bed. As he was drifting off to sleep, she crawled naked, into bed with him. He laughed. I laughed. A forced, fake laugh.

I asked him what happened and he said he told her no. That it wasn’t happening.

I wanted to hurt her. I have feelings. I have feelings for Robbie.

I can’t talk to him anyone. I can’t do this. I promised myself I would never do this again. This relationship, love, lies, betrayal, HURT bullshit.

I’m going to miss him.

June 9, 2017

Another crappy day, another melt down. They are getting fewer and farther in between. Robbie called and I feel better. He sent me this song, “Murder in the City” by the Avett Brothers. It’s actually one of Drews favorites. I love it.

He’s going to Nevada for the weekend for band practice. I’m going to miss not talking to him this weekend.